This Week's Wacks

Our 832nd Edition
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November 4th, 2011

Renting movies at Redbox? The rates are going up, from $1 a night to $1.20. I'm assuming the machines must have asked for a raise. This is where it starts.

A huge asteroid is going to pass by earth in a week, on November 8th. Pretty close, as asteroid-passing's go. Don't forget to duck.

You know, I think if I ever became a zombie, I'd just die.

There's a push to persuade Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz to run for president. I think it's a Grande idea.

Could the skinny, no-fat budget be far behind?

Maybe it's just me, but the whole idea leaves an over-roasted taste in my mouth.

Who's his running mate going to be? The mermaid on the cup?

A team of British lawyers has now concluded that the Declaration of Independence was illegal, and the American colonies had no right to secede from England. OK, but just remember, our country comes with all the debt!

A company in Illinois is selling a collectible baby doll of President Obama. It does require batteries and they aren't sure how well it's going to run in 2012.

The Donald Trump doll is already demanding to see the Obama doll's date of manufacture.

The world's population has now officially hit 7-billion people. Nicely done, now... knock it off!

Heidi Montag is going to write her life story. Some of the new parts will have to do with some of her new parts.

Whoever had 72 days in the Kim Kardashian wedding pool, please collect your winnings.

It was only 72 days, but Kim Kardashian's marriage did outlast several NBC TV series.

Kim said filing for a divorce was not an easy decision, unlike having sex or getting married.

Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce after only 72 days of marriage. I've had diets that have lasted longer than that.

Good thing they only rented the wedding rings.

My buddy Jeff asked me what Thanksgiving and Kim Kardashian's wedding have in common? Both take more time to prepare than the actual event itself.

This is the weekend that we "fall back". The stock market decided to jump the gun yesterday.

Sometimes my mind rambles and I think, "If I used a toilet as a chair at my office desk, I could get so much more done because I'd never have to get up. Then again, no one would ever come over for a meeting."

A 20-year-old California woman is claiming that Justin Bieber is the father of her child. Of course, Justin's people were said to say, "Baby, Baby, Baby---No, uh--Baby, Baby, Baby--NO, Uh...."

Harold Camping, the minister who predicted the world would come to an end May 21st... then again on October 21st... has apologized. Aw, don't worry about it Harold. It's not like it's the end of the world or anything...

A new study claims that loneliness may actually cause lack of sleep. I read about it last night at 2am in bed by myself.

MF Global financial has filed for bankruptcy, leaving investors speechless... except now they have a new definition for what MF stands for...

Kim Kardashian and her husband are actually getting divorced so soon, they'll be fighting over custody of the "thank you" notes.

She said she married for love. If she had finished the sentence, it would have been "love of publicity".

From my buddy, Skip Tucker: You'd think that with a name like "ESPN" they'd probably already know the score in advance.

Now a 3rd woman has come out accusing Herman Cain of sexual advances. I think it's time we face the truth--Cain is actually a Democrat!

Hindu Americans are upset with the Republican nominee for governor in Kentucky, after he made a comment about their faith. They're demanding an apology, but the candidate has said, "Not in this lifetime!"

Because she violated her probation, a judge has sentenced Lindsay Lohan to serve 30 days in jail... before she finishes her Playboy pictorial shoot. Is there no justice?

Major League Baseball is going to auction off the Los Angeles Dodgers. Going to need to serve an awful lot of wine at that one.

It's all a matter of timing. Bank of America dropped their $5 debit card fee... immediately after I dropped Bank of America.

The nation's oldest Catholic newspaper has apologized for a column suggesting homosexuality is caused by the devil. Besides, last I heard, Satan was a breeder.

Bank of America has dropped the idea of charging $5 a month for their customers to use a debit card. They've promised to continue to do research for their customers, to make sure they're getting the best banking service available. However, to fund those studies, they're going to have to charge you $5 a month.

With Lindsay Lohan, is it really jail time? Or more like a time share program, where she gets two weeks every year?

Kim Kardashian says she married out of love and that could be true....and I could also be Ryan Reynold's body double.


  1.     Save it for next year
  2.     Melt it all down into one big candy bar
  3.     Leave it on the doormat at Weight Watchers
  4.     You know all those starving children overseas? Take a picture of it and send it to them
  5.     Rhymes with "hinge-eating"


  1.     It contains the day on which we're so thankful -- the day after the election when all those political ads are gone!
  2.     It rhymes with "no member"
  3.     A reminder why it's great not to be a turkey
  4.     The NBA is... oh, nevermind
  5.     Well, let's start with the daily Halloween candy

Laugh a little, would ya?

PS--A sign that every teenager should see in this week's E-Mail of the Week.
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