This Week's Wacks

Our 833rd Edition
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November 11th, 2011

Mitt Romney says he's willing and able to be president. Well, you may be able, but you'll have to get past Cain first... and, I believe in the Bible, Cain beat Abel.

President Obama had his annual physical and he's in great shape. Well, to be more precise, the doctor told him he was in better shape than the country and really, that's not saying much.

The New York Mets are planning to move the walls of Citi Field in order to increase the number of home runs they hit. Their new "making the opponents have to pitch underhand" rule will probably also help.

People are claiming that Republican presidential nominee Rick Perry made a speech while he was drunk. Perry said, "That couldn't have been me, use at the time I was meeting with some women from the National Restaurant... uh, wait... no, I was drunk."

I miss Daylight Saving Time.

In London, Miss Venezuela was chosen the new "Miss World." The judges said the fact that their countries desperately needed Venezuela's oil had nothing to do with their decision.

Friday is Veterans Day, although it should also be "National Redundancy Day": the date will be 11-11-11.

Kim Kardashian is said to have flown to Minnesota to try and work things out with her husband, Kris Humphries... although I'm not sure if she's trying to work out the marriage or details on the 3-part divorce TV special.

A new study claims that the time change really does affect our health. I know I was tempted to call into work Monday "disoriented."

I'm just anxious to get past the point where I'm always saying, "Yeah, it's 3 but it's really 4."

Good day for Herman Cain. Although it's early, so far today, no new accusers have stepped forward.

An 83-year-old Iowa man has been arrested on attempted prostitution -- yep, he was doing the offering! The evidence isn't expected to stand up in court.

Kim Kardashian's mom says that her daughter just needs to "cry and get it out." I believe she's planning to do that crying on her next trip to the bank.

Orthodontics is what trains parents to be poor until their children get college-aged.

The Duggars, stars of TLC's "19 Kids and Counting" are expecting yet ANOTHER child. For God's sake, would someone buy them a TV set?

So, that giant asteroid passed the earth Tuesday and I said, "Well, we managed to avoid that big disaster" and Joe Paterno said, "Speak for yourself!"

An "epic storm" is hitting Alaska, with winds of up to 100 mph expected. Someone needs to tell Sarah Palin it's time to come in off the front porch. Then again...

Michelle and Jim Duggar, stars of TLC's 19 Kids and Counting, are expecting their 20th child. Finally, they have enough kids to start a four team basketball league.

Playboy says their pictorial featuring Lindsay Lohan will be out before the end of the year. This also explains the title of Lindsay's new single, "I'll be nude for Christmas."

The bad news for Italy's prime minister -- he may have to resign because of the country's economic troubles. The good news -- he just lost a football scholarship to Penn State.

Rick Perry finally remembered that third thing he was going to get rid of: Joe Paterno. A little late there, Rick...

The White House says there is no evidence at all that earth has been visited by aliens…well, outside of those three Martian women that stepped forward against Herman Cain.

A man in Connecticut claims that he won last week's $254-million Powerball, but lost the ticket.  Me, too.

Saw the Republican debate the other night. Being right never felt so wrong.


  1.     "I didn't do that, either"
  2.     "Cain if you're able"
  3.     "What's the Herm in that?"
  4.     "Hope for a nude America. Oops, did I say 'nude'?"
  5.     "Yes we Cain"


  1.     Frosty the Snowman seen gathering firewood
  2.     The heck with gathering -- squirrels buying nuts at Costco
  3.     The weather service issues an "It's going to be a really cold winter" warning
  4.     Bear putting on Snuggie before hibernating
  5.     Wooly Caterpillars getting time share in Florida

Laugh a little, would ya?

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