This Week's Wacks

Our 834th Edition
"This Thanksgiving thing is getting in the way of my Christmas!"
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November 18th, 2011

The thing I’ve always wondered:  When Arnold Palmer goes into a restaurant and wants a lemonade and iced tea combo, does he tell the waiter, “I’d like to order a ‘me’!”?

Dear campaign telemarketers.  I took special note to those who gave me a pre-recorded campaign message and I didn’t vote for a single one of you. You’re welcome.

This may be asking too much, but since we’re going back to 2004 when Billy Crystal last hosted the Oscars, can we put my home value back to 2004 at the same time?

I guess there was a group of people who were going to “Occupy: IKEA”, but they had trouble assembling.

The NBA has reportedly made another proposal to the players.  If it’s any indication, the last NBA proposal was made by Kris Humphries.

So far, seven women have stepped forward, claiming a giant asteroid made a pass at them last Tuesday. OK, this is officially getting out of hand.

A lot of the “Occupy” camps are having problems, ranging from drug use to murder.  In their defense, a spokesman said that the trouble-makers represent only 1% of the 99% speaking out against the other 1%.

America’s move to the metric system seems to be inching along.

The new Android phone is encased in Kevlar.  May I just say that is totally unnecessary as long you stop texting in the theater during the movie.

Too bad we can’t talk the NBA players to participate in “Occupy: Arenas”.

The Mayans may be predicting the world will end next year, but NASA is going on record as saying it won’t. I’ve never known a government agency to be wrong before…as long as you don’t include yesterday’s weather forecast.

Rick Perry is very critical of Herman Cain’s economic plan, “The 9-9-something else” plan.

Former Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky told NBC’s Bob Costas Monday night that he is not a pedophile and that he only “horsed around” with those boys.   The horses are asking to be left out of all this.

It’s at this point the phrase, “Nittany Lyin’” comes to mind.

He says he showered with boys, but nothing happened.  And I went to dinner last week at Ruth Chris and had a salad.

Looks like it’s going to be a long holiday season for Rick Perry.  Now he can only remember two of the three Wisemen.

The Post Office says it has lost over $5-billion during the past year.  They’ve figured out a way to get out of this financial tight spot, but they’re not sure you’ll go for $50 postage stamps.

Starbucks has raised the prices on some of their coffee drinks.  The official reason given for the increase was, “What the heck!”

“Dancing with the Stars” is down to their final three contestants.  As you’d expect, Rick Perry can only name two of them.

I’m thinking Rick Perry should probably give up his run for president.  Even Starbucks said his candidacy had a “burnt taste to it.”

The NBA has canceled their season through December 15th.  If this keeps up, I may actually be forced to speak to relatives on Christmas Day.

The theme Tuesday night on “The X-Factor” was Rock Night.  I’m going to have to assume that meant sing anything but what falls in the category.

A new study shows that one out of every five Americans is on a behavioral medication…which means this should surprise the other four out of five of you.

New stats show that drinking in America is at an all-time high. I've been slacking off lately, so I'd like to thank you for covering for me.

Someone took a shot at the White House earlier this week.  Ron Paul said, “Big deal. I do that every four years!”


  1. Chia pets for everybody!!
  2. Only two ho’s per customer
  3. Fewer toys due to the fact the elves belong to the NBA players union
  4. Rudolph’s nose now fitted with dimmer switch
  5. Only four reindeer—yep, layoffs

Laugh a little, would ya?

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