This Week's Wacks

Our 837th Edition
"I'll be WACKY for Christmas"
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December 9th, 2011

"Ginger White" sounds like some kind of dessert... and, apparently for 13 years, it was.

A woman is suing Starbucks for their "secret fee" they were charging up until last month. Whenever you bought less than a pound, they tacked on an extra $1.50 to their bulk coffee. The woman described herself as "steamed, with no room."

Look, if we're going to start suing people over every thing that ticks us off, who's in with me on a class action lawsuit against Monday?

Congress may allow Americans to start selling horse meat for human consumption. Your saddlebags could soon be made of real saddles.

I just have to say this: "My sandwich Flicka"

Herman Cain is the first Republican presidential candidate to get secret service protection. Not from the nut jobs, just the women from his past.

According to a study last week, one-third of all mall Santa Claus' have had a child urinate in their lap. My theory is that's how the whole "naughty list" thing got started.

Queen Elizabeth actually met with Yoko Ono last week. Huh... maybe she could break up the royal family?

The IRS has filed a lien against supermodel Christie Brinkley, saying she owes $531,000 in back taxes. Christie, I would have leaned against you for nothing. I'm just saying..

I was the town crier at Bothell's Country Village Shopping Center last weekend and emceed the "Santa Arrival". Among the lines I tossed in:

  • "Someone asked why I was crying and I told him I had just gotten another email from Zillow, telling me what my house was worth."
  • I explained how the town crier used to stand on street corners and tell people what was new. It was their version of texting.
  • Santa has a magic sack that holds all the toys for every good child all over the world. He used to use a different sack for every country, but then the elves started charging $25 a bag.
  • Welcome to "Occupy Santa".
  • I may have forgotten to tell you--this is the line for the good kids. The bad kids line is back in the rear parking lot.
  • If you're hear for the Candy Cane rally, you're in the right spot. If you're here for the Herman Cain rally, I have some bad news.

Wow -- Zillow just informed me that the Gingerbread house we built last week is already under water.

Tiger Woods got his first in nearly two years on Sunday. That includes in golf and court.

Everybody sing--"God rest ye merry gentlemen... if you're for Herman Cain!"

We haven't gone out and cut down our Christmas tree yet this year. Our neighbors don't go out of town until next weekend.

Among the runners in Sunday's Las Vegas Marathon: Kate Gosselin. Running after all those kids was great training.

Larry King says when he dies, he'd like to be frozen so that he could be brought back. Hey, he could have another 8 marriages in him!

At first when he said he wanted to be frozen, his current wife just put him out on the front porch. That's when he pounded on the door and yelled, "No! AFTER I'm gone!"

An Alaskan man drove his car into a snow drift and for three days, survived only on a beer. Finally, someone other than me, proving it can be done.

Herman Cain is said to be deciding who to throw his support behind. To me, the two obvious choices are Arnold Schwarzenegger or Ashton Kutcher.

My buddy John told me this one: Two guys sitting in the bar when one looks over and says, "See those two drunks over there? That's us in 10 years." The other guy looks over and says, "You moron, that's a mirror!"

The British government is cutting the Queen's salary to under $50-million. Probably means she's going to quit getting the newspaper. Hey, we all have to make sacrifices.

President Obama is getting some flak for his planned 17-day Christmas vacation. The biggest complainer about him not being in the White House that long is his cousin Eddie, who had planned to visit.

Herman Cain announced last weekend that he was dropping out of the presidential race to spend more time with his wife... which, if he had been doing, he would still have been in the presidential race.

Next week is the Christmas episode of "Glee." It's when all the good girls and boys look forward to the arrival of Santana Claus.

Dobie Gray, who had a big hit in 1971 with "Drift Away," dies Tuesday. Wow, that's the second person named Dobie that I've lost this year.

Lots of holiday specials on TV tonight , including "Mitt Romney's 'How the Gingrich Stole Christmas."

It just occurred to me that my first two activities of the day---going to the bathroom and watering the Christmas tree--could be combined. It's how my mind works. Sorry, I'm a guy.

I remember the old days, when you dreaded getting on a plane and finding out you had a screaming baby or a kicking child sitting behind you. These days, the worst-case scenario is Alec Baldwin.

This is a great teaching lesson for kids -- "You know that guy who was on Thomas the Tank? He didn't listen and they kicked him off the plane, so buckle up!"

Alec has said he's sorry to all of the airline passengers that were inconvenienced for his tirade... but he still refuses to apologize for "The Royal Tenenbaums." I still want my $7.50 back! (that shows you how long ago that was)

Q: What did the one Illinois ex-governor say to the other to the other Illinois ex-governor? A: How long ya in for?

OK kids, let's sing: "You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I'm telling you why. Mindy McCready's coming to town!"


  1.     Hide the Santa Suit
  2.     Flag Hoof ball
  3.     Pull my Antler
  4.     Tic-Tac-Doe
  5.     Red-Noser, Red-Noser, send somebody over


  1.     Kim Remote-control-Kardashian
  2.     Elf Elf Cool-J
  3.     Donald Stump
  4.     Gingerbread White
  5.     Herman Candycain


  1.     Italy and Greece are telling you to slow down
  2.     The mall has given you your own parking spot
  3.     You walk in a store and the owner pops the cork on a bottle of champagne
  4.     You no longer need to show your VISA card, a simple wink will do
  5.     You've worn the numbers off all your credit cards

Laugh a little, would ya?

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