This Week's Wacks

Our 838th Edition
"Part of the 12 WACKS of Christmas"
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December 16th, 2011

The former governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich was sentenced to 14 years in prison. His hair got an extra three years for bad behavior.

OK, this is getting out of hand. Over the weekend, I saw some girls with their Barbies playing "Occupy Doll Street".

This month marks the 19th anniversary of the text message. We know that it was sent in December, we're just not sure which movie it interrupted.

Well, it looks like I'm going to make it through the rest of the year without a Smart phone. The one I've got is more of a Slow learner.

Looks like another "Occupy Mall" weekend.

I guess I must be one of the 1%, if the 99% are the people who think sleeping on city streets for months at a time is a good idea.

As part of the 1%, I think it's time that we rise up against the other 123% of this country that are good at math!

Lindsay Lohan's purse was stolen in Hawaii over the weekend. She got it back, but minus the $10,000 cash that was inside. And I feel rich when I've got a twenty on me.

An executive from the E! Network has stated that there could be as many as four new Kardashian spinoff shows. It's time that we started taking these threats seriously!

Here's a story about a couple that got married at a Starbucks. A reviewer described their reception as "over-toasted."

Pope Benedict lit a Christmas tree in Italy using a Sony tablet. Holy product placement!

"The 12 days of Christmas"... or, as Kim Kardashian calls them, one-sixth of a marriage.

A woman in Oklahoma was arrested for making meth inside a Wal-Mart This explains why the store greeter never went home.

Gary Busey has endorsed Newt Gingrich for president. I know when I'm looking for astute, political advice, I can always count on Gary Busey.

In Chicago, a strip club is offering a free lap dance when you donate a toy. Not that kind of toy.

It gives you a whole new way to enjoy a Mary Christmas.

In Norway, there's a butter shortage. So much that in some areas, it's going for upwards of $700 a pound. No Chiffon!

A Seattle Atheist group has put up bus signs that shows a bunch of people and claiming, "One in four people are atheists." Oh my no-one-in-particular, really?

I'll bet you $10,000 I can't afford to make a bet with Mitt Romney!

We're heading into the last weekend before Christmas. You can a deep breath and almost smell that fresh-cut panic setting in.

The U.S. government has $1.4-billion of surplus dollar coins sitting in vaults that just didn't catch on. Since they're useless, vice-president Joe Biden says that they're eventually going to be phased out. Talk about the pot calling the kettle 'black'...

A new winner was crowned this week on "The Biggest Loser".not to be confused with the Republican Presidential Nominee Debates.  That's still wide open.

There's a severe butter shortage in Norway that has resulted in butter selling for as much as $700 a pound in some areas.  It also inspired a new brand of margarine, called "I'm sure as BLEEP not going to pay that BEEPing much for butter".

Newt Gingrich released a statement promising he would not cheat on his wife.  I thought those were called "wedding vows"?

In a related story, Herman Cain also announced that he has promised not to cheat again, on either his wife or his mistress.

All this talk about Tim Teabow this and Christianity that--can't we get away from all this Jesus stuff and just get back to Christmas?

The U.S. government is shutting down the war in Iraq after 9 years.  Sadly, it lasted longer than almost every series on NBC.

Replacing Piers Morgan as a judge on "America's Got Talent"?  Would you believe Howard Stern?  And things were going so well....

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE PROBABLY GOING TO BE VISITED BY THREE GHOSTS ON CHRISTMAS EVE

  1.     You get a text from them that says, "Haunt ya later"
  2.     You nick-named your Volkswagen Beetle your "Hum Bug"
  3.     Ghost of old business partner warns they'll be by the night before the NBA season starts up
  4.     You un-like your nephew on Facebook
  5.     Just today, you yelled at your clerk that he wasting too much coal

TOP FIVE NEW POLITICAL HOLIDAY SPECIALS

  1.     "Obama Ye Faithful"
  2.     "O Little Town Michelle Bachman"
  3.     "Romney Around The Christmas Tree"
  4.     "Pelosi Express"
  5.     "The Gingrich Who Stole Christmas"

Laugh a little, would ya?
           Tim

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