This Week's Wacks
Our 839th Edition
"'Twas the Wack Before Christmas...."
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December 23rd, 2011
This is the final Wacky Week for 2011. What a wild year, but great to have you along for the ride. Enjoy your time off and let's get together again that first week of 2012.
One more plug for "It's Silent Night", a video featuring Alana Baxter that I just finished last weekend. Enjoy it and pass it along! To see it, click here!
According to a Gallup survey, the average American man now weighs 196 pounds. Well, nice to know I'm "above average" in at least one way.
According to a new survey, 75% of employees would rather get a cash bonus than spend time with co-workers at a holiday party. I'm personally not that way -- I'd take cash or just a check.
Why do reindeer love Rudolph but hate my favorite TV show? The song goes, "Then how the reindeer loved him, as they shouted 'Out with Glee!'"
Christmas 2011: "You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout... or I'll pepper-spray you!"
From my buddy, Skip Tucker: I would never steal a Christmas goose from a beautiful naked woman, but I just might take a gander.
So, I've reached the point of Christmas Roulette. I mailed out Christmas cards to some of the people on my list. From here, if they send me one, I'll send one back. If not, they come off the list.
The story goes that Ruth Handler named Ken & Barbie after her own two kids. Aren't they dating? What kind of sick toys are we giving our children?
In case you missed it, North Korea's former leader Kim Jong Ill is now Kim Jong Dead.
Kobe Bryant's wife has filed for divorce. Who could have seen that coming?
Wow, that's his second lockout in less than a year!
Another reason why Kobe always waits until the week before Christmas to do his shopping.
In the divorce settlement, she's expected to get quite a bit... but then again, all he really cares about getting is the ball.
The National Transportation Safety Board called for an all-out ban on cell phone use while driving. Hey guys, while you're at it, can you also throw in movie theaters?
According to a new CBS poll, 33 percent of Americans say they won't have enough money to cover their holiday spending. Well, I would be able to afford it if I didn't have to pay for last Christmas.
I may have spent way too much this Christmas, but you know, if the Mayans were right, this is the last one!
For those who haven't started their Christmas shopping yet, this is what is traditionally known as "Panic Week!"
Chaz Bono and his fiancé have called off their engagement. I'm guessing they probably appreciate us not saying, "they broke it off."
Playboy says that the Lindsay Lohan issue is breaking sales records. Must be some incredibly interesting articles in there.
There were two power outages during the Monday Night Football game at San Francisco's Candlestick Park. Three if you include the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Looks like Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney are neck and neck these days, which Rick Perry says he openly opposes.
The FDA is now warning people not to eat raw cookie dough this holiday season. If I may be honest, the cooked variety isn't exactly healthy for you, either.
It is being reported that school children in North Korea were taught that Kim Jong Il never went to the bathroom. When you think about it, we never really covered that part when it came to Santa and the "doing it all in one night" thing.
Another one, compliments of Skip Tucker: Even though gold, frankincense and myrrh are all pretty nice gifts, I'm thinkin' Jesus couldn't have been too happy when the Wise Men told him they were for both his birthday AND Christmas.
Matt Damon has criticized President Obama. This explains why, in the next Bourne movie, Jason can't remember who he is, but he DOES know he's not President Obama.
It's that time of year when every time you turn around, you see that jolly fellow with the rosy cheeks--Newt Gingrich!
I just got a LivingSocial email offer for "Unlimited Tanning--61 locations". I'd say as long as those locations include legs and arms, that's a pretty good deal!
On this date in 1947, the transistor was invented. They never did get around to inventing the transbrother. There's a Chaz Bono joke in there, but it's almost Christmas.
Happy Hanukkah! That's the holiday that celebrates the miracle when a few drops of oil kept a lamp burning for eight days. It turned out it was because someone had developed a hybrid lamp.
A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. I'd just like to say, publicly, to my wife, I don't do that. Not that I don't spend twice as much, that I don't have a mistress. But that doesn't mean I have more than one. Crap-why did I even bring this story up?
Don't tell me how the winter solstice arrival went. I've got it on DVR.
This has been a great Christmas season…although, not nearly as great as the year Herman Cain was my Secret Santa.
TOP FIVE DEMANDS OR THE ELVES GO ON STRIKE
- When they ride along on the sleigh, no more $25 bag fee
- At least two days a week, no curled-toes shoes... just flats.
- Stop hiding all the new magazines way up on the top of that coffee table
- Lower time clocks, so it's easier to punch in
- Santa needs to look every time before he sits down
FIVE CHRISTMAS SONGS WE'D LIKE TO HEAR SOMEBODY SING
- "Oh, come, all ye Faith Hill"
- "Have yourself"
- "Mistletoe and Holly Madison"
- "Silent Newt"
- "It's beginning to look a lot like bankruptcy"
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
PS--Some last-minute holiday funnies in this week's E-Mail of the Week.
PSPS--For the full story on "It's Silent Night", click here
PSPSPS--If you have Facebook, I'm over here
PSPSPSPS---Follow Tim's Tweets on Twitter @timwack