This Week's Wacks
This Week's Wacks
Our 840th Edition
"Take THAT Mayans!"
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January 6th, 2012
Thanks to everyone for helping make "It's Silent Night" the number one song on Google when you search for that title. If you haven't seen it, click here!
Mel Gibson's divorce has been finalized. Hey girls, he's available! I hear right now, you can get a real screamin' deal on him.
Steven Tyler recently said he was ashamed of his womanizing past. Me, too. The fact that I never had one is my biggest issue.
Cheetah, from the Tarzan movies, has died at the age of 80. Further proof that cheetahs never prosper. He is survived by his friend, Friend and his dog, dog.
Sinead O'Connor's brief marriage to therapist Barry Herridge has ended. They lived together a total of 7 days. Sounds more
like a curse, than a marriage. How Kardashian!
I bought some cool Christmas stuff at the half-price sales. Now, with my luck, the Mayans will be right.
Funny, but right after New Year's arrived, I forgot all my old acquaintances.
My first resolution was to make more lists, so I wrote down the rest of my resolutions. Now, if I could only find it...
My only New Year's resolution was to never forget the reason I walked into a room. Wish me luck.
Russell Brand stands to make $30-million in his divorce from Katy Perry. Sorry, Katy, but I would have done the same for only $25-million.
LeBron James popped the question to his high school sweetheart on New Year's Eve. Naturally, it was a slam dunk.
I tried one of those polar bear swims on New Year's Day. First suggestion -- never try it with real polar bears.
Predictions for 2012:
" Biggest TV show will appear in December -- "Dick Clark hosts the Mayan End of the World Countdown"
" Katy Perry's biggest hit "I kissed a Smurf"(and I liked it)
" The Tea Party becomes also available in decaf.
" Kim Kardashian marries and divorces someone in her sleep.
" Hallmark begins selling "I hate you, Zillow" cards.
" After a decade of "Family Guy," Peter announces that he's bi-coastal.
Elton John says he would like Justin Timberlake to play him in the movie coming out about his life. Hey, Elton came out, why shouldn't his movie?
Gee, only 10 more months until this presidential election thing is over again... for another year.
Figure skater Johnny Weir married his boyfriend on New Year's Eve. Johnny was the person responsible for figure skating's "No need to ask/why bother telling?" rule.
There was an early morning meteor shower on Wednesday. Have we always just had meteor showers or was there a time we occasionally enjoyed a meteor bath?
Before you get too wrapped up in the Mayan's prediction that the world will end this year, please also know this is also the year they have the Seahawks winning the Superbowl.
John McCain is endorsing Mitt Romney. If there's one thing you need to defeat President Obama, it's the endorsement of the guy who lost to him last time.
Michele Bachmann says the people of Iowa have spoken. The drawback was, no one was speaking to her.
Martha Stewart's daytime TV show has been canceled. It's a done thing.
Starbucks has announced they're raising their prices. Well, I don't know about you, but I know what I'm going to do--I'm going to pay more! Damn them!
I thought having my paycheck direct-deposited to them was enough, but No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!
TOP FIVE SIGNS 2012 IS GOING TO BE A GREAT YEAR
1. A Mayan is seen selling 2013 calendars
2. Through a strange fluke, you've been made Donald Trump's boss
3. All other teams in the league forfeit -- by default, your team is the national champion
4. The lottery calls and tells you that your lucky numbers are the next to be drawn
5. Zillow says your house is actually worth double what everyone think
TOP FIVE WORST PREDICTIONS FOR 2012
1. Iran announces the development of missile-shaped Candy-grams
2. Kim Kardashian will find lasting love
3. President Obama wants to reverse the spelling of his last name to Amabo
4. Newt Gingrinch will announce he'll act as his own running mate
5. Katy Perry and Russell Brand will celebrate their anniversary in Paris
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
PS--Start the year off with a funny from this week's E-Mail of the Week.
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PSPSPSPSPS--She's Ima Norwegian. Catch her each Sunday at MyBallard.com