This Week's Wacks
Our 844th Edition
"So many bad jokes, so little time"
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February 3rd, 2012

Well, gotta get out and hit those After-Groundhogs Day Sale.

It appeared like an argument broke out the other day when the Governor of Arizona handed President Obama a letter. We couldn't heard the discussion, but my guess is it was over handing him a letter... when she just could have emailed.

New statistics show that the average America spends over $1,000 a year on coffee. What's that -- like 10 drinks at Starbucks?

$1,000 a year on coffee. Guess I hadn't realized I had cut back that much.

By the way, the Occupy: Oakland rally has been moved to Occupy:Jail

I'm surprised they haven't changed the SAG Awards to something more politically correct, like the "Gravity's Winning" Awards.

You're going to see a commercial for "Ferris Bueller 2" in the Superbowl game. Excited? Anyone? Anyone?

Today is the day that voters in Florida choose from Eeney, Meaney, Miney or Ron Paul.

Fran Drescher says that aliens once implanted chips into her. Of course, the aliens are saying the same thing about her.

Kim Kardashian Tweeted that she wants to start a Bible study group with her friends. I guess I already knew she was religious from that one video where she keeps saying, "Oh, God... Oh, God... "

Researchers say that a 2200 year old mummy found in Egypt was that of a 40-year-old man who died of cancer. And you thought your healthcare plan was slow in getting back results.

They've figured out a way to make sure the Oscars won't last too long this year. Right before the Awards, Kim Kardashian is going to marry it.

To help keep the Oscars moving this year, Bruce Murdock suggests that Billy Crystal use Haiku Humor: Every word needed is there, no words un-needed.

North Korea has made it illegal to use cell phones. Suddenly, millions of Koreans don't know what to do while they're driving!

Snoop Dogg has endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop says "He made a good pope. Why wouldn't he be a great president?"

Of course, most of his friends rhetorically ask, "Are you high?"

Americans will eat about 450 million chicken wings on Super Bowl Sunday. OK, 225-million sets of wings.

The band Survivor is suing Newt Gingrich for using Eye of the Tiger at rallies. Meanwhile, the Who has requested that Rick Santorum stop using their song, "Who are you?"

A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear. In answer to the question, "Boxers or briefs?" the answer is "yes".

Some middle schools are banning Uggs, because students are hiding cell phones in themů.especially the new Samsung 4G Insole.

Rick Santorum says Newt Gingrich is too hot, Mitt Romney is too cold, but he's the "Goldilocks candidate." Apparently, if Santorum doesn't get the Republican nomination, he's threatening to run as the candidate of the Porridge Party.

Thursday, Newt Gingrich got up, thought he saw a voter, but it turned out to just be his shadow, which means 6 more weeks of campaigning.

TOP FIVE OTHER THINGS THE GROUNDHOG CAME UP FOR THIS YEAR

  1.     To see if he could get Mitt Romney's income tax rate
  2.     If he sees Steven Tyler, it means six more weeks of American Idol
  3.     Is the Arizona governor around? (he doesn't want to be sent back down)
  4.     Has the Superbowl pre-game show started yet?
  5.     Are the Republican debates over yet?

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE AT THE WORST-EVER SUPER BOWL PARTY

  1.     Yep, that's last year's leftover bean dip
  2.     "Uh, aren't we going to turn the TV on?"
  3.     These kelp nachos just aren't the same
  4.     Wow, 12 whole inches of TV screen
  5.     Gee, a plain, no cheese, no topping pizza. Who knew they even made such a thing?

Laugh a little, would ya?
           Tim

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