This Week's Wacks
Our 846th Edition
"Never read the fine print"
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February 17th, 2012
Madonna fans are asking Israel's Prime Minister not to bomb Iran until AFTER the scheduled Madonna concert. It'll be interesting to see who bombs first.
Eva Longoria was involved in a minor traffic accident the other day. She's fine, but 43 guys stopped and offered to give her CPR.
A guy convicted of stalking Madonna has escaped from a California mental institution. My guess is he didn't see the halftime show.
Wait--isn't Adele the one who sings the song with the words, "We could have had it all?" At the Grammy's the other night, she did.
Yep, it was Adele's night at the Grammy's. Lady Gaga couldn't catch a Grammy even if she had a net... and she was wearing one!
This may be redundant, but I heart Valentine's Day.
In regards to those Grammy fashions, wasn't the dress Fergie was wearing made out of doily?
Not making this up: Larry King Tweeted Sunday Night: "I love the Foo Fighters, especially Foo!"
Jack in the Box is introducing the Bacon Milkshake. Really? For those who aren't packing on the pounds quite fast enough?
CollegeMagazine.com has rated Bob Jones University as US's #1 most sexually repressed college campus. It's they their team name is "The Fighting Urges".
A new study says that almost 50% of those surveyed are 100% satisfied with our favorite radio station. Hey guys, we're doing five times better than congress!
Washington State Governor Christine Gregoire (GREG-war) signed a new gay marriage law into effect. Afterwards, she celebrated by attending a performance of the musical, "Seven Brides for Seven Sisters."
Donald Trump is upset that the Scottish government is trying to build a wind farm near his golf resort. Truth is, Donald, they weren't trying to build it near your resort... they were just trying to get it near YOU!
It's the day I go out and make up for not getting a card and candy yesterday for Valentine's Day... and get it at half off. Score!
I do think it's cool that pay day always comes the day after Valentine's Day.
Chicago has been labeled the most corrupt city in the United States. To give you an idea of just how corrupt it is, they didn't even have enough votes to win the title!
White Castle offered a candlelit dinner service for Valentine's Day. It was for those couples this close to breaking up, but not quite there yet.
For Valentine's Day, I wanted to give my sweetheart something special, something that would always appreciate in value. The toughest part was figuring out how to gift wrap a barrel of oil.
Adele won six Grammy's Sunday night and Clay Aiken really cleaned up. Hey, you have to take the jobs where you can find them.
Rick Santorum said women might not be suited for military action because their emotions aren't suited for combat. I'm reminded of that line from "Dr. Strangelove": "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is a war room!"
Dave Mustaine, leader of the heavy metal band Megadeth, has endorsed Rick Santorum. Who knew the lead singer of Megadeth was pro-life?
A spokeswoman for Victoria's Secret has called Kate Upton, the cover model for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, "too obvious". Funny, but while looking at her work, I was feeling the same way.
Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush have been spotted together and could be on their way to….oh, you know what I'm thinking: a 3-part mini-series!
A Minnesota man was arrested for stealing up to $25,000 worth of laundry detergent. In his mind, it was All or nothing. The worst crime ever in Minnesota? No, but it was Tide. OK, I'm done. Cheers.
On Valentine's Day, Americans spend $367 million on their pets. Sharing from experience, never give your goldfish chocolates. They both end up floating.
One of the awards at this week's Westminster Dog Show went to Martha Stewart's chow chow named Genghis Khan. What a cute couple--Genghis Khan and ex-con.
TOP FIVE MESSAGES YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ON YOUR CANDY HEARTS
- Find the antidote
- Forever... maybe
- Made in 1972
- Now you've got it, too
- Want to share me?
TOP FIVE SIGNS THINGS AREN'T GOING WELL WITH YOUR VALENTINE
- The new suitcase she gave you as a gift... already packed.
- She gave you the new bowling ball you wanted... but from the second floor
- During dinner last night, you found yourself asking, "What's that arsenic smell?"
- That marriage counseling Groupon she gave you
- That beautiful bouquet of flowers... someone else sent her.
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
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