I was just on Facebook. I had no idea there were so many people that I may know, but don't.
Celebrities usually die in 3's. So, Dick Clark, the guy from The Band and the other guy from Men at Work. Do they count? Or are we lowering our level of 'celebrity' down to "Dancing with the Stars" level?
After 8 years in the courtroom, Dennis Rodman and his wife Michelle are finally divorced. About as ugly as you can get... but enough about Dennis.
The bad news: the secret service has had to dismiss several agents after that Columbian prostitute scandal. The good news: applications to become a secret service agent are way up!
Justin Timberlake announced he is unveiling his own line of home decor furnishings. He promises you'll be completely satisfied or double your sexy back.
The secret service has a new official policy regarding their agents and prostitutes: "Get a job, lose a job!"
Much to my relief, I found out that "Game of Thrones" doesn't place in a Men's room, nor is it a game.
This is absolutely the last life I believe in reincarnation.
Neil Diamond married his manager over the weekend. He says he's the happiest man in the world, minus, of course, the traditional 15%.
I'll know when we've broken through and advanced to the next level when a Monday rolls around and I can send my hologram to work for me.
Japanese researchers have successfully grown hair on a bald mouse. The good news is that, until they test it on humans, you can always wear a couple of mice on your head.
Noah Wylie was handcuffed on Capitol Hill while protesting cuts to Medicaid...thus, proving his agent wrong: he COULD get arrested!
The past is nothing more than the stains on the t-shirt of life. Wow, did I just say that?
Three more secret service agents are leaving due to fallout from that Columbian prostitute scandal. Needless to say, everyone wants to be invited to their going-away party.
Japanese researchers have successfully grown hair on a bald mouse. Can the cheese-eating toupee be far behind?
Starbucks begin to arrive in Disneyland this June. No one is happier about this than Grumpy.
Newt Gingrich's campaign is over $5-million in debt. I guess that proves he's qualified to be president.
A New Mexico company has petitioned the federal government to become the first U.S. business to offer horse meat for human consumption. The whole story is being captured in a documentary called, "My sandwich Flicka."
Los Angeles Lakers player Metta World Peace has been suspended 7 games for throwing an elbow into the back of another player's head over the weekend. If it weren't for the 17,000 fans in attendance and the national TV audience, he would have gotten away with it.
I'm not quite sold on putting all of my information and data up on "a cloud." I'm more of a party cloudy guy.
A whale found dead in Washington State had swallowed some things including a golf ball! At least now I know where that went.
Researchers who discovered the whale only said one word: "Kramer!"
Sofia Vergara was denied entrance to a New York Night Club because she didn't have her ID with her, to prove she was over 21. The thank you card is in the mail.
The NFL draft was yesterday. We were able to meet an entire new class of football players who will most likely disappoint us.
Pizza Hut has introduced a new pizza that contains multiple cheeseburgers stuffed within the crust. Your doctor held a press conference later in the day and said, "That's it! I give up!"
This week in honor of Earth Week, every single one of our shows was made completely out of 100% recycled jokes.
The secret service has been busy scouting out hotels and locations in Las Vegas….just in case the president ever plans to visit there.
In a confession of complete honesty, I'm really not here at work today. This is my hologram. I'm actually at home in bed right now.
TOP FIVE SECRET SERVICE AGENT PICKUP LINES
"Do you take VISA?"
"If there's an attempt on your life, I'll have to throw my body on top of yours."
"I'm afraid I need to frisk you."
"Why, yes, I do have a concealed weapon."
"If I told you why I was here, I'd have to sleep with you."
TOP FIVE REASONS WHY HAVING A PET DRAGON IS A BAD IDEA
Two words: dragon doody
Kids next door keep trying to swim in his water dish
Every day, a new mailman
Putting on a fire-proof suit every time you want him to speak gets old