This Week's Wacks
Our 857th Edition
"Stop reading small print. It hurts your eyes!"
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May 4th, 2012
Happy birthday to my wife, Victoria. It figures I'd marry a girl born on May 4th, after all those years I've said, "May the 4th be with you!"
A judge has ruled that Britney Spears' fiancee can be a co-conservator for her, along with her dad. It's the old classic story: boy meets girl, boy asks girl to marry him, girl asks judge to make him her conservator...
Chris Brown is coming out with his own line of toys. Chris, you're making it too easy here.
Costco is going to get into the mortgage industry. Of course, you'd have to refinance a dozen homes at a time...
All this time, we thought secret service agents were talking on a 2-way wrist radio. Now we found out they were just saying to their hands, "You were very naughty last night!"
My theory is, it's all part of a cruel joke: a large movie theater soda is exactly two ounces more than the capacity of a human bladder.
It's May Day and to be completely honest, I may...or may not.
The most interesting thing we've learned so far about the John Edwards trial is that back in his day, he use to go scout out places for the secret service to scout out.
A California man has sued BMW North America and a motorcycle-seat maker claiming that a four-hour round-trip ride on his 1993 BMW bike give him an erection that lasted 20 month. BMW, the seat-maker and his wife are fighting the suit.
Security measures for the 2012 Summer Olympic Games in London are tightening up. Some London residents are getting troops and surface-to-air missiles on their rooftops... and even some javelin throwers will actually be trained to toss missles! OK, I made that part up...
Today is "National Honesty Day." Sorry, I lied. It was yesterday.
Bobby Brown is insisting that he's "not the reason that Whitney Houston is gone." OK, there's one vote.
Health officials in California say that some teenagers are getting drunk by drinking hand sanitizer. Can the Purell and Red Bull be far behind?
Facebook users can now display their organ donor status... because we already don't know enough about each other.
An Ohio woman with the tattoo "God" on her forehead has been arrested for stalking. Just imagine her anger -- every time she looks in a mirror, she sees a 'dog'.
Jessica Simpson gave birth to a new possible reality show on Tuesday.
A California treasure hunter says he's discovered the location of Bin Laden's body. We couldn't find him for 10 years, now we've found him twice within a year.
CNN had its lowest-rated month in a decade during April. However, both viewers said they found the shows very entertaining.
President Obama now admits that the 'New York girlfriend' mentioned in his 1995 memoir was actually a composite of several women he dated there. Now, some Republicans are claiming that his wife Michelle is really just a hologram.
According to a new survey, one in seven people believe the world is going to end in their lifetime. 10% believe that it's going to happen this year. 100% of Republicans and Democrats believe it's going to end if the other side gets elected President.
Legendary poker player Amarillo Slim has passed away at the age of 83. Gotta know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em.
A couple in Indiana claims that a deer got into their house and filled up their bathtub with water. Isn't that strange? I always thought they took showers.
TOP FIVE THINGS JOE BIDEN MEANT TO SAY, OTHER THAN PRESIDENT BIDEN HAS A BIG STICK
- "He's the guy I'd want telling me how deep it is and if the bottom's rough, too!"
- "You know what they say about a president with big feet! Yep, big shoes!"
- "He's bigger than Johnson... President Lyndon Johnson!"
- "Once you go Barack, you never go back"
- "Yes, he's liberal. He hangs to the left."
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
PS--Brace yourself: We have the winner of a wet t-shirt contest in this week's Facebook Post of the Week.
PSPS--Opinionated this week, aren't I? My blog.
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PSPSPSPSPS--She's Ima Norwegian. Catch her every Sunday at MyBallard.com