This Week's Wacks
Our 858th Edition
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May 11th, 2012

How would you know if you don't have a thought in your head? If you're thinking about it, you already have one.

President Obama's new campaign slogan is "Forward." Bill Clinton used that during his two terms -- not as a campaign slogan, but how he acted..

Ted Turner says he still hasn't gotten over losing Jane Fonda. Look, Ted, eventually, we all have to take down our "Barbarella" poster.

Just remember to smile -- it'll make them wonder what you know that they don't.

The famous painting, "The Scream" was sold for $120-million... but the price does include a really nice frame.

Alex Trebek says he's thinking about retiring in one or two years. I'm sorry. What is Alex Trebek thinking about doing in a couple of years?

Four years ago, Barrack Obama's campaign slogan was "Hope and Change." This time around it's "Forward." This is perfect for those who might be tempted to go back and ask, "Whatever happened to all that hope and change?" Never mind that -- just look "Forward."

A new study says that America is on track to having 42% of its population considered 'obese' by the year 2030. By then, every day will be "Cinco in de Coucho."

A new study says that America is on track to have a 42% obesity rate by the year 2030. 42%? C'mon, we can do better than that!

Obesity in America is a mystery. We were just talking about it yesterday during second lunch.

For the record, there is no "Take your daughter with you to a tanning booth" day.

Last Saturday was Cinco de Mayo AND the Kentucky Derby -- the day I'll forever remember as the day I invented the Margarita Julep.

They arrested another underwear bomber. They know he was one because he was wearing "Fruit of the booms"

Ryan Seacrest just put his house on the market for $11.9 million. It seems silly to own that expensive of a home, when he lives on TV & radio.

And all this time, when I heard "Fifty Shades of Grey," I thought they were describing George Clooney's hair color.

I saw a Scientology commercial the other day with John Travolta. When did they start offering free massages if you join?

If you invented a time machine, how would you know it didn't work? Maybe you just traveled through time and ended up back where you started? It could just need a tweak.

Looks like North Carolina is going to ban gay marriage. They're also changing the official state motto to, "Look away from the rainbow!"

Celebrity hairstylist Vidal Sassoon has died.  Bluegrass legend Everett Lilly has died.   Because celebrities always die in the three's, who is next?  But while we're asking questions, who is Everett Lilly?

Apparently, we didn't hear the entire clip on the news.  President Obama DID say he was in favor of gay marriage.  But the rest of the sentence was, "Among secret service agents."

A new study found that most people can't go 10 minutes without lying.  Not surprising that most political debates go way beyond 10 minutes.


  1.     Biggest frustration: trying to have one spelling of Al-Queda
  2.     Wanted to remind members who were late on dues, but afraid they would blow up
  3.     Mad that he could no longer use Larry King's show as torture
  4.     Discovering sand fleas really like beards
  5.     The toughest part about multiple wives was remembering multiple anniversaries.


  1.     Not a good hair stylist in the entire state
  2.     Rainbows considered a sign of the end of the world
  3.     Watching "Will and Grace" was considered a misdemeanor
  4.     "Fabulous" is known there as "the F-word"
  5.     They refer to "Glee" as "Glum"

Laugh a little, would ya?

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