This Week's Wacks
Our 870th Edition
"Always read the fine print. Except this stuff"
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August 3rd, 2012

A new study says that married men are actually happier than single men. Well, of course they are--they've got a better shot at Kristen Stewart!

Four hours for the opening ceremony of the Olympics? They should almost make that its own sport!

La Toya Jackson has asked her family to please stop fighting in public. She's obviously the white sheep of the family.

Robert Pattinson has moved out of the home he was sharing with Kristen Stewart. We don't know if he'll come back, but he has asked Taylor Lautner to watch after her while he's gone.

Who are those people over there and why are they laughing? Hey, wait a minute -- isn't that Team Jacob?

My personal challenge for this Olympics is watching beach volleyball and actually noticing the score.

Ashton Kutcher and his former "That 70s Show" co-star Mila Kunis are said to be now living together. The other day, he bought her a $5,000 phone case, engraved with both of their initials. The phrase, "making too much money" should be coming up any minute now...

If that isn't "Spoiled Hollywood Rich Kid Love," I don't know what is.

Norway has banned Snoop Dogg from their country for two years. My wife insists it's further proof on just how advanced they've become.

The L.A. City Council has just voted to ban medical marijuana sales at all 790 dispensaries. In a related story, Snoop Dogg is selling his L.A. home.

A new report shows smoking marijuana can help eliminate diarrhea. OK, everyone: to Mexico!

To cut down on repetition on our show, from now on, we're only going to report when Lindsay Lohan wasn't in a car accident.

It's easy to find Lindsay Lohan's house. Just drive through Hollywood until you come to the home that says, "3 days since our last accident."

Wisdom from a Facebook post: "I always get in the last word. Sometimes you've left and you're too far away to hear it."

A power outage in India has left half of that country without power. Ironically, someone from the power company had to call the U.S. for tech support.

Fred Willard's lost his second job since being arrested in that adult movie theater. Great! You know what they say about 'idle hand'... isn't that what got him into this situation in the first place?

The Seattle garbage strike continues. Both sides keep getting together, but it doesn't take long before it all turns to 'trash talk.'

Snoop Dogg says he has changed his name to Snoop Lion. They still won't let him in Norway.

Got a garbage strike underway here in Seattle. So, here's my trick: when it starts piling up too much, put it boxes, gift wrap it, and then leave it on the back seat of your car with the door unlocked.

Apple is accusing Samsung of stealing their design for the iPhone. "A ridiculous accusation," according to Samsung president Steve Schmobs.

At the Olympics, accusations that some of the badminton athletes weren't trying. Only one question: How could you tell?

The tricky part is getting witnesses and finding anyone who will admit they were watching badminton.

Microsoft has unveiled, which will replace the Hotmail you don't use now.

I'm working on a new book, "How to retire with a million dollars." It's actually pretty simple -- take a million dollars and stop working.

Wow, August 1st. I think we've officially crossed the threshold where now it just doesn't make sense to take down the Christmas lights.

Another great Facebook post: "Definition of an ASKHOLE--someone who constantly asks for your advice, but does the opposite of what you told them."

From my friend, Janice: Did you know it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown but it only takes 4 to extend your arm and slap them in the face?

Dance like no one is watching.  Pray you don't end up on Facebook!

A couple in Kansas was arrested for attempting to have sex inside a Wal-Mart store.  A new standard for the Ultimate Cheap Date has been set.

Never before has the phrase, "Clean up in aisle 3" been so terrifying.

I think I've got Olympic fever--I'm officially sick of Bob Costas.

Some of China's Olympic athletes are being criticized for having lives completely focused on their athletics.  Their families say that's not true, that they take plenty of time off to work at the iPod factory.

Really, Olympics?  The best you can do this time around are badminton and Twitter scandals?

Probably the biggest thing I'm going to take away from these Olympic games is now I know that badminton has an "n" in it.

Yes, the First Amendment does give you the freedom to say anything you want, no matter how stupid you sound.


  1.     Always keep Ann Curry a Javelin throw's distance from the "Today Show" set
  2.     LeBron James can put Bob Costas in his pocket
  3.     Racist Twitter messages can get you in trouble. (again, now it's been confirmed)
  4.     Never bet on the Iranian basketball team
  5.     I don't have a swimmer's body. I knew that, but it's now been confirmed


  1.     Dodge archery
  2.     Marco-Solo
  3.     Grenade relay race
  4.     Shark racing
  5.     Cannonball catching


  1.     London reminds you of Robert Pattinson and that reminds you of...
  2.     I've never got British humor
  3.     The remote possibility of seeing Russell Brand in a Speedo
  4.     The looks you'll get from watching Beach Volleyball
  5.     I'm busy this summer. I'll watch them next year


PS--What's Darth Vader up to?  Find out in this week's Facebook Post of the Week.
PSPS--The most amazing sentence I've ever heard is requoted on my blog.
PSPSPS--If you have Facebook, I'm over here
PSPSPSPS---Follow Tim's Tweets on Twitter @timwack
PSPSPSPSPS--She's Ima Norwegian.  Catch her every Sunday at She's also threatening to start her own blog at