This Week's Wacks
Our 871st Edition
"I don't mind the Dog Days of August as much as the Flea Days of September"
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August 10th, 2012

Another Facebook gem: "It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema."

Congress is going on a summer recess. Who knew they were working?

I've always been concerned about identity theft and so have at least three other me's.

One of the Olympic tennis matches the other day went four hours and 26 minutes, shattering the previous record held by the opening ceremony.

Clint Eastwood has endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Now the only questions: Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya?

Porn star Jenna Jameson has endorsed Mitt Romney for president. So far, I'm up to six punchlines I can't say.

Kim Kardashian says she lost 7 pounds in 7 days with a "Sex diet." So THAT explains my extra pounds.

NASA successfully landed Curiosity on Mars. Apparently, it's an exploration vehicle. At first I was wondering, "Why would they send a porn star to Mars?"

I suppose the name should reflect our enthusiasm. It probably wouldn't have made sense to name the spacecraft, "The Indifferent."

The Romney Campaign raised $100-million in July...although, truth be told, $80-million of that was money he found in an old suit pocket.

Matt Lauer is being criticized for using the term "Indian giver" on the Today Show. This tells me everything I need to know. He wanted Curry off the show. And what's the most commonly used spice in Indian food? Coincidence? Yeah, well, probably....

NASA's Curiosity rover continues to explore Mars, the red planet. Red rover, red rover, we sent something over...

I was just told that August is "National Make-a-Will Month." Uh, is there something else you're not telling me?

With the Seahawks singing Terrell Owens, Seattle is now preparing to set the new world record for people simultaneously saying the phrase, "I told you so."

New research claims that Americans lie around 11 times every week! HA! I was lying---it's 12! No, actually, it is 11... which makes that a lie and so now we ARE up to 12!

Some surprising stats: 37% of adults can't swim across a pool. 70% of drowning victims are adults! You'd think with our built-in floatation devices, we'd be better at floating.

It's one of those jokes I wish I had thought of--compliments of long-time broadcasting buddy, Jim Wilson: Curiosity landed on Mars this week but, unfortunately it killed the planet's last remaining life-form: a cat!

My memory just isn't what it used to be. And there was something else...

"Uh, mom, for starters, you don't add water to your iPhone to use Instagram."

France is looking at a 75% tax on the rich! It was between that and bringing back the guillotine.

Google has decided to discontinue Google Listen, its podcast search and playback app for Android. I have to say I'm not sorry to see it go, as I was never even aware it had come in the room.

Wow, it's only August and the presidential campaign has already lowered itself to name-calling. Any way we can put the two candidates in time outs?

Los Angeles had a mild earthquake on Tuesday. Nothing too serious, but John Goodman has had a couple of aftershocks.

A competitor in judo from the American Olympic team was sent home as a drug test revealed traces of cannabis. Officials became suspicious when they realized that judo wasn't an Olympic sport.

In London, where it's legal to bet on elections, British bookies are giving President Obama a 70% chance of winning re-election. Of course, all Mitt Romney could say is that London doesn't really know how to run a bookie operation.

It's sounding like they need to take away Randy Travis's drivers license forever and ever. Amen.

I've become a fan of Gabby Douglas, but when she had trouble keeping her balance and fell on a bar...I felt a real connection.

Elton John has said that Madonna looks like "a fairground stripper." We obviously don't go to the same fairs.

A German Olympic diver did one of the worst dives ever and got a score of 0.0. It was the biggest flop seen on NBC since that "Bionic Alf" special.

It was the most uncomfortable thing to watch on NBC since Matt Lauer's goodbye speech to Ann Curry.

By the way, you're not listening to a summer rerun. No, these are all entire new lows for our show.

OUR TOP FIVE FAVORITE OLYMPIC MOMENTS (SO FAR)

  1.     Mr. Bean's synchronized bubbles-in-the-pool routine
  2.     The Queen's Kung Fu exhibition (not shown by NBC for its violent content)
  3.     Elton John being mistaken for the Olympic Flame
  4.     Gabby Douglas saying she's speechless (then change your name)
  5.     Michael Phelps, face down, after trying to wear all of his medals

TOP FIVE AMAZING THINGS PLANNED FOR CLOSING CEREMONIES OF THE OLYMPIC GAMES

  1.     The Olympic flame is carried out by Elton John. He'll wear a carnation so we can tell them apart
  2.     The queen is shot from a canon and is so far off, she wins "Britain's Got Talent"
  3.     Kate Middleton will show up
  4.     Gabby Douglas will attempt to balance Greece's checkbook
  5.     Michael Phelps will try to bench press all of his medals

                               Tim

PS--So, what did they discover on Mars?  You know this one was coming. A home-made Facebook Post of the Week.
PSPS--Took in the Seattle area Cheap Trick/Aerosmith concert.  My review and photos here on my blog.
PSPSPS--If you have Facebook, I'm over here
PSPSPSPS---Follow Tim's Tweets on Twitter @timwack
PSPSPSPSPS--She's Ima Norwegian.  Catch her every Sunday at MyBallard.com. She's also threatening to start her own blog at imanorwegian.com