This Week's Wacks
Our 872nd Edition
" Why did they have to put morning so early in the day?"
Available on a daily basis through Radio On-line
Click here for a free trial
August 17th, 2012
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi says that she swears the spirit of Susan B. Anthony has spoken to her at the White House. I doubt it, because if she had, she probably would have brought up the whole "Why'd you stick me on that lousy dollar coin?" thing.
The most surprising things I've learned so far in the race for president is that many of the swing states teeter-totter so much. So, why aren't they called 'teeter-totter states" instead?
The FBI is warning us about an email scam, supposedly from them. Your first clue is the typo that says it's from the F-I-B.
Olympic gold medalist Usain Bolt is now saying, "I'm the greatest athlete who ever lived!" Obviously, the title of most modest is still wide-open.
A new Las Vegas Denny's is going to have it's own wedding chapel. Can the "Grand Slam Thank You Ma'am" be far behind.
They say the camera puts on 10 pounds. That's why I stopped eating cameras.
G.E. is recalling some of their dishwashers because they tend to be a fire hazard. On the positive side, the dishes always come out dry.
Buddy Frank King is sure right. There wasn't near the nudity you would expect from the XXX Olympic Games.
In Norway, four bears broke into a cabin, ransacking it and drinking over 100 beers. Ironically, the cabin was owned by Goldilocks.
Words to live by--be careful how you sit on a unicorn.
After watching the Spice Girls reunion the other night, I have to ask: wasn't Posh looking a little scary, and Scary looking a little posh?
This just in: Jennifer Aniston is still engaged.
The Olympics are over! I just went outside and... wow, it's summer!
A new study claims that stress and depression actually shrink your brain. I find that both stressful and depressing.
Japan says that last year's nuclear accident has caused some local butterflies to mutate. Why is it I'm expecting the word "Mothra" to come up any second now?
A new study says there's a chemical in movie theater popcorn that's linked to Alzheimer's disease. I'll have to remember to get the large at my next Adam Sandler movie.
I suppose the #1 lesson we can learn from Chad Johnson is never keep your condom receipts. There's more?
I don't mean to say tomorrow is going to be hot, but the weather guy was holding the forecast with a pot holder.
Chad Johnson's wife has now officially filed for divorce. She'd be glad to show him the receipt.
I don't know who had 41 days in the wedding pool, but you win.
Kenny G has filed for divorce from his wife of 20 years. They say that his music was instrumental.
Presidential nominee Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. It didn't win, but it is now dating a Kardashian cousin.
She was Snow White... then she had an affair with the movie director... now it appears that Kristen Stewart will not be back as Snow White in the planned sequel. But she does have a shot at a new movie version of, "Lady and the Tramp."
Oh, I'm going to praise NBC for its Olympic coverage. I'm just delaying my opinion 6 hours.
Credit goes to my ventriloquist pal, Mark Merchant: Al Qaeda is running an ad on an Internet jobs site for suicide bombers. The ideal candidate must be willing to relocate suddenly, and in different directions.
Today, Joe Biden told a small group of people to "Put down those chains!" They responded with, "But we're referees and we might need to measure for the first down!"
We suffered through a blazing summer... and now, forecasters are predicting it'll be a doozy of a winter. I think the solutions is -- take out the forecasters!
The good news about the heatwave in Seattle--the Space Needle is now sterilized!
From my pal, Skip Tucker: When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child. But when I became a man, I put away my childish things and bought a Dodge Viper.
Tim
PS--So, what did they discover on Mars? You know this one was coming. A home-made Facebook Post of the Week.
PSPS--Memories of Kathie Goertzen, including some radio clips, on my blog.
PSPSPS--If you have Facebook, I'm over here
PSPSPSPS---Follow Tim's Tweets on Twitter @timwack
PSPSPSPSPS--She's Ima Norwegian. Catch her every Sunday at MyBallard.com. She's also threatening to start her own blog at imanorwegian.com