This Week's Wacks
Our 873rd Edition
" If I had a penny for every time I said something stupid, I'd have more cents.  Oh, look!  A penny!"
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August 24th, 2012

Former adult film star Jenna Jameson has pleaded guilty to driving under the influence. Like she'd ever be considered innocent for anything...

A new poll says that atheism is increasing in America. For God's sake...

President Obama is demanding that Mitt Romney release at least five years' worth of his tax returns. You'd think Obama would know someone high up in the government that could find out if there was anything wrong with them.

Even Donald Trump was saying, "Oh, brother."

So, you're saying my two choices for president are a guy who wouldn't show his birth certificate and a guy who won't show his tax returns? Have I got that right?

Jenny McCarthy and Brian Urlacher have broken up. He leaves the relationship with 264 sacks.

Former porn star Jenna Jameson has pleaded guilty to a DUI charge. She had to -- the word "innocent" had taken out a restraining order against her. She couldn't even get near it.

Someone needs to tell Joe Biden that the slogan for the Re-Elect Obama campaign is NOT "hope and chains."

September 4th, we find out who Kelly Ripa's new co-host will be. Wouldn't it be something if it was Regis and this was all a dream?

No one yet knows who's going to be Kelly Ripa's new co-host. The only thing we know for certain is that it won't be Phyllis Diller.

Republicans aren't just hurting in Missouri, they're Akin.

Honda Accords and Civics are the most popular cars among car thieves. Hey, everyone wants better mileage.

Honda will introduce a sensory-equipped lawn mower next year in Europe that will do the mowing for you. I'm going to hold out for the self-starting model. Hey, if I'm going to be lazy...

The divorce of White House party crashers Tareq and Michaele Salahi has been finalized. Hey, Journey members, she's available!

The Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes divorce was finalized Monday. Hey guys, they're both available.

Corn and soy prices have both hit all-time highs. I'm no expert, but I think if we all just stop eating corn with soy sauce on it, we should be fine.

Hurricane Isaac is looking like he's also planning to attend next week's Republican National Convention. This explains why Todd Akin was asked to speak at the convention... outside.

There's a new ap called "If I die" that will pass along your final words after you expire. I have a feeling a lot of final words are going to be, "OK, hit the send button."

My friend Wing Nut asked a good question: At what age do you tell your dog that he's adopted?

If you have a Honda Accord, you own the most-often stolen car in America. That being said, you might check to see if you still own that Honda Accord...

A new survey predicts that women and the elderly are more likely to vote in the presidential election. OK, Tom Bergeron, here's your chance...

Yes, that is a 14-carat engagement ring on Avril Lavigne's finger. You could see why it was smart to say, "Yes", even from just the financial side of it.

Beekeepers removed 3-million bees from a New York City home Wednesday night.  Apparently a man who was a beekeeper in China kept 45 hives in his home and all those bees.  At the end of the day, when he walked in the door and said, "Honey, I'm home," he wasn't kidding!

A new study claims that Americans are throwing away 40% of our food. To look at us, you wouldn't think that was true.

They say the average family of four wastes $2,275 a year.  What's that-five trips to Starbucks you could have paid for?

The Princeton Review has named West Virginia University as the nation's biggest party school.  They were going to celebrate with a party, but there were already several underway.

I don't the Republicans quite understand how this works.  Hurricane Isaac is threatening their national convention next weekend in Tampa Bay and already, three of the party leaders have asked it to resign.

Actually, they're not really going to postpone it---they just want Todd Akin to think so.

Weather experts say that you can tell when Hurricane Isaac will be its worst. Right before then, there's a fog-like mist that appears….called the Isaac Haze.

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR DOG IS PLANNING TO RUN AWAY FROM HOME

  1.     Travel poster in his house, featuring fire hydrants around the world
  2.     Elaborate secret tunnel system discovered in backyard
  3.     Is... is that a doggie suitcase?
  4.     Small backpack found, stuffed with milk bones
  5.     Found a pamphlet called, "How to neutralize an invisible fence."

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR BASEBALL TEAM PROBABLY ISN'T GOING TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS

  1.     Official team flag is white
  2.     Manager getting pedicure in dugout
  3.     First base coach reviewing travel brochures
  4.     Only way to get players to keep coming to games are team snacks
  5.     Players aren't sliding because they don't want to get their uniforms dirty

                               Tim

PS--Not surprising it made Darth Vader cry.  Don't miss this week's Facebook Post of the Week.
PSPS--A salute to the woman you can blame for all this, on my blog.
PSPSPS--If you have Facebook, I'm over here
PSPSPSPS---Follow Tim's Tweets on Twitter @timwack
PSPSPSPSPS--She's Ima Norwegian.  Catch her every Sunday at MyBallard.com. She's also threatening to start her own blog at imanorwegian.com