This Week's Wacks
Our 875th Edition
"Only those who read the fine print will know I'm on an Alaskan cruise this week!"
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September 7th, 2012
MTV has canceled "Jersey Shore" after six seasons. Hard to believe I missed that many seasons. I easily could have missed at least three more.
Remember, when your ex says, "You'll never find anyone like me" be sure and reply, "Thanks -- that's great to know!" Of course, then run.
A 101-year-old woman is the oldest person on Facebook. She says it allows her to keep up with all the descendants of her friends.
Maybe I should run for office. I'm not afraid to ask the really tough questions. For example: do you think this country really needs bacon-flavored vodka?
The wife of Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the former IMF chief, says that the two of them have separated. In a related story, the question, "I wonder why?" has filed for unemployment.
The Republican Convention is over and so, once again, it's safe for hurricanes to hit Florida.
By the way, for the record, Adam & Eve said they don't believe in Bill Nye.
According to a new survey, the Tooth Fairy is paying $3 a tooth these days. No word on how much the Black Market Kidney Fairy is paying.
Seems like these days a kid with a pair of pliers could make some good money!
46.7-million Americans are now on food stamps. Just checking, but is that the "things are getting better" part?
From Facebook: "Wait a minute--these aren't Weight Watchers pills! You've been reading them upside down! It doesn't say WW....it says M and M!"
The Democratic Party has removed the words "God-Given" from the official party platform. Does it seem like both parties are trying to out-lose the other?
It's my first year in a fantasy football league and apparently, I've got a lot to learn. I wondered why no one had picked Cameron Diaz and Sophia Vegara before I did.
Barry Bonds says he still supports Lance Armstrong. In a related story, Hugh Hefner says he still believes in John Edwards.
McDonald's is opening some vegetarian restaurants in India. Everything will look like a McDonalds over here, but with some differences. For example, the Hamburglar has 16 arms.
Instead of Happy Meals, they're just content.
I was thinking that India would be a great place to open a Nike store. Their slogan could be, "Just Hindu it!"
Bill Clinton really nailed one Wednesday night! And he gave a great speech, too!
Prosecutors have charged Amanda Bynes with hit-and-run in connection with two traffic crashes in recent months. In Hollywood, that's known as a "Double Lohan."
Everything went great with Bill Clinton's speech Wednesday night until that flashing red light went off and he whipped out a wad of $1 bills.
I'm not sure if he was making fun of Clint Eastwood or what, but at one point, Bill Clinton spoke to an empty desk and said, "Stay under there until the coast is clear."
Chuck Norris said that if President Obama is re-elected it will lead "to a thousand years of darkness." Oh, Chuck--how Mayan!
Have you seen the new Republican ad that asks, "Are we better off than four years ago?" then ends on a picture of Honey Boo Boo. They've got a point.
Nine of the hotels where politicians are staying at the Democratic National Convention have bedbugs. Yeah, it's a bit on the disgusting side, but the bedbugs say they've had it worse.
TOP FIVE SURPRISES PLANNED FOR THIS WEEK'S DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION
Commemorative Milk Cartons Have Picture of Missing Hillary on them
Michelle Obama accused of spiking the punch with carrot juice
Clint Eastwood and his chair to do encore!
Joe Biden's ventriloquist act is going to kill!
New device to help speeches stay short -- a trap door
TOP FIVE HINTS THAT IT MAY BE TIME TO CLEAN THE LITTER BOX
Cats going down the street to use the Shell station bathroom
The sand is now out-numbered
3-feet tall has gotta be some kind of record
A bag of kitty litter just ran out of the room, screaming
Cats holding up signs that say, "Please" and "For the love of God!"
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