Now we're hearing that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are back living together again. Of course, only when the sun is up. Of course.
There's now a search engine that is exclusively for porn: search.xxx That's good. Porn has always been so hard to find on the Internet.
A comet "brighter than the moon" is going to pass by earth next year. The really good news---neither Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes will be driving it!
My friend Skip Tucker tells me, "I just found out that someone's been impersonating me. Well, two can play at that game!"
Dolly Parton was going to be involved with a new theme park in Nashville, but has dropped out of the project. Yeah, it was a big bust. And, she dropped out of the project.
Kate Middleton tried to keep a low profile when she attended a friend's wedding over the weekend. And because she didn't say much, photographers took a bunch of pictures, saying she was "talkless."
Arnold Schwarzenegger's tell-all book, "Total Recall," has hit book stores. Arnold says he was "honest and forthright in the book." Or he might have said, "Calmest when the dwarf flies to the brook." I'm not exactly sure. He's hard to understand.
President Obama says he's not bringing any zingers to the debate. Of course, Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "Vy vould you bring zingers to a debate? Zat's zilly."
Dave Grohl says the Foo Fighters are on a break. I guess, in their case, "between rounds."
"Die Hard 5" will hit theaters on Valentine's Day next year. This time around, John McClaine runs into trouble when he teams up with a woman named Sarah Plalin.
Police in Florida were called this weekend after 400 pounds of marijuana washed up on the beach. They became suspicious when saw people watching the waves, waving back.
Crap! I use to have a really great trick on how to remember things.
Just remember, when watching the debates: the promise bone ain't connected to the doing bone.
I should have known--it turns out Jim Lehrer was a replacement moderator.
Amanda Bynes went on record as saying she absolutely hates Lindsay Lohan. Can anyone say, "Pay per view?"
Michael Moore's comment on the debate: "Clint Eastwood's chair would have done a better job moderating."
Michelle Obama won Family Circle's bake-off with her chocolate chip cookies. I'm going to assume that this was the recipe where she used broccoli instead of chocolate chips.
Health experts predict that the world will have more than a billion elderly people in the next 10 years. If you plan to eat at a Denny's around 4 o'clock in 2022, I'd make reservations now.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'VE GOT A HUGE SPIDER IN THE HOUSE
Your wife just came running outside, yelling, "We need a 50-foot Kleenex!"
"There... there they are again. Those footsteps. They sound like boots!"
Uh, are those spider footprints in the rug
Flies are giving your house an extremely bad review on Yelp
Well, for starters, there's that rope-like web on the front door
TOP FIVE SIGNS THE PARAKEET IS PLANNING TO BREAK OUT
He keeps whistling the theme from "The Great Escape"
Crows outside holding sign that says, "Free Parakeet"
While changing the papers, you noticed the start of a small tunnel
He chewed a piece of cardboard into the shape of a gun
You found a little tiny fingernail file at the bottom of the cage