This Week's Wacks
Our 886th Edition
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November 21st, 2012
Thanks to R.D. Peterson for this one: In Washington State, Gay marriage and marijuana became legalized on the same day... just like it predicted in the Bible. Leviticus 20:13- "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned."
Sears is reporting a net loss in the third quarter of $500-million. I'm no business expert, but why are they putting so much effort into trying to sell nets?
So, how is it these generals can arrange for thousands of soldiers to launch a surprise attack, but can't keep one simple affair a secret?
A new study found that eating healthier food can improve your memory and several other somethings.
There's going to be a 3% increase in the price of turkey this year, otherwise known as the waistline tax.
Saw the final Twilight movie. They really kept it current. Never saw that Bella/Edward/General Patraeus triangle coming.
When asked if the Hostess company might make a comeback, the owner said, "Not a Snowball's chance!"
I think it's about time Florida changed their official state motto to, "We're still counting!"
Maybe....just maybe....the Mayans were talking about Twinkies!
Use this at your own discretion, but I'm beginning to think the word "socialite" is actually a fancy way of saying "slut with lots of money."
Health experts are warning that you shouldn't stockpile Hostess Twinkies. They can actually go bad in 522 years.
A district attorney in upstate New York has admitted that he acted in pornographic movies in the 1970s. Some of the movies included, "File these briefs!" and "I'd like to make this motion!"
What's the old adage? "There are no bad porn actors, only small parts."
Got everything about ready for Thanksgiving. All that's left is to iron my elastic-waist pants.
New research revealed that the closer you live to a bar, the more likely you are to become a heavy drinker. I would think the idea that would pick a home because of its location near a bar would be the first-hint.
I'm tired. I normally have a standing meeting Wednesday morning. Today, we're sitting.
Thanksgiving-that holiday where we turn on the news and see thousands of people stuck in an airport somewhere and they can't figure out why.
I'm kind of down. I feel lower than the crotch on Justin Bieber's pants!
Remember, it's not the minutes we spend eating Thanksgiving dinner that will do us in-it's the seconds….and the thirds….
We need a good Thanksgiving song. "Basted days and basted nights" just doesn't cut it.
Danica Patrick and her husband of 7 years are getting divorced. Apparently, the marriage went off track.
Apparently, they had made the transition from "Go Daddy", to "No, daddy!"
I'd just like to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving, even the haters. Although, I admit, I agree with you on the fruitcake issue.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE PLANNING TO EAT A LOT ON THANKSGIVING
- You bought a new pair of racing forks
- It's a family tradition to have "second seconds"
- Planning to use the steel-reinforced chair at dinner, are you?
- That bib that says, "I'm not full yet"
- Uh, that's not a plate---that's a cookie sheet!
TOP FIVE SURPRISES AT THIS YEAR'S MACY'S PARADE
- A giant, inflatable Kirstie Alley... oh, wait... that's her!
- Whose idea was it for Lindsay Lohan to drive one of the floats?
- The Clint Eastwood Empty Chair Precision Drill Team
- A turkey wearing a toupee constantly mistaken for Donald Trump
- The General Petraeus All-Ex-Girlfriend Marching Band
Tim
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