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January 4th, 2013

My New Year's resolution-to quit exaggerating. I bet I do it now a billion times a day.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are having a baby together, as foretold in Revelations.

The Oak Ridge Boys performed in the hospital for former President George Bush on Friday.  There was apparently some confusion when he told the nurse, "The last thing in the world I want to hear is Elvira."

Hugh Hefner married his ex-fiancée, Crystal Harris, on New Year's Eve at the Playboy Mansion.  The honeymoon lasted four hours, or otherwise, they would have seen a doctor.

I always wondered what Hugh Hefner thought about during sex.  After all, when he started having sex, baseball hadn't been invented yet.

Weird Al tweeted this past Monday night at midnight: "Happy New Year! (And to all my Chinese friends, Happy Tuesday.)"

The most disappointing thing about 2012-President Obama had promised to pull out of Afghanistan and Iraq and we didn't completely.  Of course, Kanye promised the same thing to Kim……

So far, so good in 2013.  Now, if we can just strike a deal so that no one says the phrase, "Mayan Fiscal Cliff", we'll be in great shape!

I remember the old days, when a new year would roll around and there was that frustrating adjustment period, where you'd accidentally write the old year on a check.  Now, we've sold that problem---we just don't write checks anymore!

Now a new study says it may actually be good to worry.  I was afraid they'd say that one day…..

I dream of the day when, finally, they've found a cure for hypochondriacs.

I have a feeling this is going to be a great year.  What could possibly be unlucky about 2013?

How could the Mayans have predicted the end of the world but missed the whole Fiscal Cliff thing?

The new season of "Downton Abbey" gets underway this weekend.  "Downton Abbey" means as much to me as the playoffs do to Tony Romo.

Wendy's has replaced their 99-cent value meal with a "Right Size, Right Price" menu.  In a related story, I don't care.

Billionaires gave 30% less to charities in 2012, if you don't include the U.S. government as a charity.


  1.     My phone has a larger screen than that
  2.     You watch it with binoculars
  3.     By the way, they make color sets now
  4.     There's 3D and 2D... you have 1D
  5.     Yours is the last Micro-Vision set they ever made.


  1.     Everyone is responsible for their own diapers
  2.     Sex with more than 10 people at a time is just wrong
  3.     Telling Hugh that you already had sex and he forgot, when you actually didn't, is forbidden
  4.     No more random sex with strangers unless you know their first name
  5.     When Hugh looks at a Playboy, he can only read the articles


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