This Week's Wacks
Our 894th Edition
"I doubt I'll ever don't stop believin'"
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January 25th, 2013

Well, Lance Armstrong got together with Oprah and left it all on the table. After a while, he remembered he had forgotten it and came back.

I'll be honest -- I didn't watch Lance Armstrong the other night on TV. To sit there and just watch someone admit they lied all those years---too close to the last election for me.

I can't believe Lance Armstrong was doping. Next you're going to tell me that Barry Bonds was... ... ...

A California middle-school teacher has been fired after her porn-star movie past surfaced. Finally, I can say something and really meant it: "We never had stuff like that when I was a kid!"

A friend of mine said the other day, "I'm a groan man. I groan when I get up, I groan when I sit down... ... "

A doctor in Germany is being sued by the family of a patient who died after 16 items were left inside of him after the surgery. The doctor's only comment: "So THAT'S where my car keys went!"

I miss Steven Tyler on American Idol. He was sort of the Brett Mussberger among the judges...

It's snowing so much up in the mountains, I saw Django chaining back up!

Barbara Walters fell and was hospitalized over the weekend. A spokesperson at the hospital says "she's westing comfortably."

The Onion is reporting that Lance Armstrong is now admitting he used performance enhancing drugs to help him show remorse.

According to the Center for Science in the Public Interest, the top two most unhealthy restaurant dishes were from The Cheesecake Factory. However, I should point out that, while those dishes had a lot of calories, it would be perfectly OK for you to eat them if you didn't eat again this year.

Cirque du Soleil just announced that it is cutting 400 jobs. In true Cirque du Soleil style, they're calling the move, "Layoffique!"

I bought the complete set of Lance Armstrong biographies: "How I did it", "How I really did it" and "Seriously, this time I'm not kidding!"

Atari has filed for bankruptcy. Apparently they pinged when they should have ponged.

Lindsay Lohan has rejected a big-money offer to appear on "Dancing with the Stars." Probably because someone stepped up and offered her more to stay off the show.

Director Michael Winner, best known for his thriller "Death Wish," has died at the age of 77. Apparently, he got his wish.

A giant goldfish was caught in Michigan's Lake St. Clair, weighing 3 pounds and measuring 15 inches long. It was caught with a very large glass bowl and a giant ping pong ball.

Prince Harry, in talking about Las Vegas, says he let down his family... when he let down his pants. There's usually a connection there...

In Norway last week, a tunnel had to be closed after a goat cheese fire broke out. I cheddar at the thought.

To be honest, I once had an imaginary girlfriend. I loved her so much... up until the day she ran off with my make-believe best friend.

Its bad enough Lance Armstrong admitted cheating all those years. Now, it appears that on Oprah, he wasn't actually confessing -- he was lip-synching.

Joe Biden says he hasn't quite decided yet if he'll run for president in 2016. He better decide quickly -- the campaign should begin any day now.

There's a new Star Wars video game that includes a gay planet. I can hear Darth Vader now: "Luke, I'm one of your fathers!" Can the phrase, "Hey, stormtrooper, new in town?" be far behind.

The council people of a county in Ireland have voted to allow moderately drunk driving. They're setting themselves up for the charge of partial murder.

A guy who provided the voice for Charlie Brown in several Peanuts specials has been arrested on charges of stalking. Good grief! What a blockhead! I heard he has a thing about Great Pumpkins. OK, I'm done.

The actor who did the voice for Charlie Brown in the Peanuts holiday specials has been arrested on charges of stalking.  He had been seeing a psychiatrist, but at 5-cents a session, you can't expect much.

Lance Armstrong has turned down an offer to be on "Dancing With the Stars." Apparently, he hasn't figured out a way to beat that drug test yet.

Gee, then it could become "Doping with the Stars!"

Seattle and Sacramento are vying for the same NBA basketball team. When all is said and done, the loser has to take the team.


  1.     They allow mental sacks
  2.     Texting while passing is allowed
  3.     There's a 15-yard "Unnecessary Dirtying" rule
  4.     Team benches trade sides each quarter to even out their tans
  5.     Instead of using a football: pineapple


  1.     During entire Oprah interview, his fingers were crossed
  2.     Anyone else notice his pants were on fire?
  3.     Even politicians were saying, "Oh, he's lying."
  4.     He thinks truth is a short form of the phrase, "To Ruth"
  5.     Even the devil said, "He said it. I didn't!"


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PSPS--What do "Half Ballard" and "Lincoln" have in common. Its on my blog.
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