This Week's Wacks
Our 895th Edition
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February 1st, 2013

Now, another college football player is denying that he has an imagery girlfriend. His imaginary wife wouldn't allow it.!

According to a new study out of the University of Wisconsin, as much as 81 percent of people lie on online dating websites. Or, as they call it, Armstronging.

Definition---PYGMIES: Race of all small people used by airlines to create seating space on their jets.

Lance Armstrong turned down an offer to appear on "Dancing with the Stars." I'm thinking he's holding out for Showtime's "House of Lies!"

The New Orleans Hornets have announced plans to change their name to the New Orleans Pelicans. While they're at it, they might also want to see about changing the word "suck" to "awesome!"

I don't understand this big uproar about Subway. It's very rare that when someone says 12-inches that it's really 12-inches. I'm talking about snowfall totals. What were you thinking?

Weird Al said it. "I just met a guy that lost both his arms in an industrial accident. So sad. Didn't have a humerus bone in his body."

How does the NFL have an all-star game without players from the two best teams playing in the Superbowl? Isn't the Pro Bowl more like a "Some Star" game?

Tina Turner has given up her U.S. citizenship and become a citizen of Switzerland. Tina also announced she's switching from Carnation Instant Hot Chocolate, to Swiss Miss.

A new study says that men should limit their red wine intake to no more than one or two glasses a night. Fortunately, they said nothing about how many glasses during mornings or afternoons.

President Obama claimed the other day that he goes "shooting all the time." Someone needs to tell him that cameras and Jell-O shots don't count.

Iran has sent a monkey into space. They were going to send a human, but the monkey talked them out of it.

Canada is dropping the penny February 4th! No more will be made! We're getting closer to saying, "Those Canadians -- they have no cents!"

Subway has officially apologized to any customer who was served a foot-long sub that didn't measure a foot long. The Olive Garden is offering a similar apology to anyone who came to their restaurants expecting Italian food.

The earth's temperature has gone up 2 degrees, which makes me wonder -- where do they stick THAT thermometer?

The price of a postage stamp went up a penny this week. The extra penny will be used to help protect the people who run the postal service from the fact that email exists.

Iran sent a monkey in space last week. It was so their scientists could study the effects of weightlessness and non-oppression.

Toyota is recalling a million vehicles because of problems with wipers and airbags. Why they have wipers on their airbags, I'll never know...

The best part of a make-up girlfriend?   Make-up sex.

A new study claims that men who share in the household chores actually have less sex.  I have officially swiffed my last Swiffer.

That's it!  Things are going to be different around here after I put these dishes away, vacuum the living room and finish the laundry.

According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. I'm sorry, we've already gone past our irony limit.

So, Jim Nabors was in Seattle recently, to wed his partner of 38 years.  I wonder who the Goober was……

Sister Debbie saw this post on Facebook: "I went to my doctor yesterday and she told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of the mirror."


  1.     Take Your Alligator to Work Day
  2.     Parking Spot Wrestle-Off
  3.     Suck Up to the Boss Day (isn't that every day?)
  4.     Last One In Today Gets Noogies Day
  5.     Lance Armstrong Rally Day


  1.     "Uh, my phone has a bigger screen than that TV"
  2.     I'm not saying these chips are stale, but I was just able to roll one
  3.     One can of beeny-weenies... for everybody? One can?
  4.     Uh, the expiration on this bean dip was 2011
  5.     Nice decorations... but the Giants and Broncos aren't playing!


PS--George Takei is a funny guy.  Don't miss our Facebook Post of the Week.
PSPS--I'm getting a little auction this weekend. Its on my blog.
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PSPSPSPS---Follow Tim's Tweets on Twitter @timwack