This Week's Wacks
Our 896th Edition"
"A stitch in thyme means you're sewing spices.  That's weird!"
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February 8th, 2013

According to a new survey, 53% of Americans believe that God rewards athletes who believe in him. Wait... wouldn't that make their faith "performance enhancing?"

Katie Couric says that back when she was 30, she went on one very awkward date with Larry King. What I find most impressive is that she was able to catch him between wives!

I miss "30 Rock"...

Miley Cyrus has been showing off her new tattoo, courtesy of celebrity tattoo artist Kat VON D. It's a pair of arrows crossed over each other on her elbow. It was between that and the words "Other side up."

So, if we simply invent a serum that turns zombies into vegetarians, we'll all be OK when the Apocalypse hits! I've got too much spare time.

Punxsutawney Phil says it'll be an early spring. Dr. Phil says don't pretend to be an imaginary girlfriend on the phone.

Actually, I'm not much of a fan of Groundhog's Day. Such a big deal about a groundhog and if spring is coming. Just for fun, try and stop it.

My wife insists that we not use Teflon any more. She says the chemicals in Teflon will shorten my life by 3 years. Ironically, I'll most likely spend those 3 years cleaning non-stick pans.

I thought it was interesting they showed the preview for "Star Trek: Into Darkness" at the Superbowl game that went into darkness.

After Sunday's halftime show, I think they should come out with a new store called, "Bed, Bath and Beyonce`."

Andre Cassagnes has died at the age of 86. He was the inventor of the Etch-a-Sketch. It was a toy designed to make you realize you have absolutely no artistic ability at a very young age.

With the Etch-a-Sketch, we would create something with two knobs, then turn the screen upside down, shake it and everything would be gone without a trace. Some say that's where Windows got the idea for their Blue Screen of Death.

The state of Washington is looking for a marijuana consultant now that marijuana is legal up there. So far, they've had quite a few very experienced candidates... but none of them remember that they applied.

If they do find the right candidate, he or she will head up the state's new Department of Something.

NASA announced that an asteroid 150-foot in diameter will pass close, but safely, by the Earth on February 15th. Unlike Lindsay Lohan, there is no chance of a collision.

The Arkansas House has passed a bill to allow guns in churches. Now who's going to start paying more attention to the sermon?

Don't be afraid of change. It's necessary. Like, when you're buying something and it costs $1.27.

The U.S. Postal Service is ending Saturday mail delivery in August. They made the announcement now, in case the letter didn't arrive on time.

"The check's in the mail" -- talk about a phrase that's seen it's better days.

I'll show them! I'll just not pick up my mail on Friday and get it Saturday! Nyah!

I've been suspecting that our government has had mail performance issues for some time...

A study finds that men who watch 20 hours or more a week of TV have abnormally low sperm counts. I don't want to know how they found out.

A portrait that Picasso painted of his mistress has sold for $45-million. Who said cheaters never prosper?

I guess one of the trickier parts of this last Superbowl was when the president called to speak to Coach Harbaugh.

After the game, Baltimore quarterback Joe Flacco announced his wife is pregnant. For those of you keeping stats at home, that would be another completion.

David Letterman said it: "The power outage during the Super Bowl lasted XXXIV minutes."

Home Depot announced it's going to hire 80,000 seasonal workers to help with the busy spring season. Uh, you could start with those guys in the parking lot.

A new survey claims that Americans spend up to 80% of work "cyber-loafing." I can wait to get to work to Facebook and Twitter that!


  1.     You woke up in New Orleans and didn't even go to the game
  2.     Those goalposts in the front yard... where'd they come from?
  3.     OK, there's the cheerleader uniform... where's the cheerleader?
  4.     You found bean dip in your ear
  5.     Three of your guests have gone reported missing


  1.     Plans of opening the first Starbucks on Mars (I think they've already found three)
  2.     Your dream of one day being Lindsay Lohan's manager
  3.     That subscription to Lance Armstrong magazine
  4.     Gargling the national anthem every night before bed
  5.     That ugly Deer Antler Spray habit

PS--George Takei is a funny guy.  Don't miss our Facebook Post of the Week.
PSPS--OK, I'll give it a try.  My thoughts on the whole gun thing are on my blog.
PSPSPS--Are you on on Facebook?  So am I, right here
PSPSPSPS---Follow Tim's Tweets on Twitter @timwack