President Obama has announced a compromise on his drone policy. He says he would still use them to attack American citizens, but not on Saturdays.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he's not only apathetic about his weight, but someday, he hopes to become our country's 51st state.
OLD JOKE: Chris Christie was crossing the street when a truck ran right into him. Christie got up and yelled at the driver, "Hey! Why'd you run into me?" The driver yelled back, "Because I didn't have enough gas to drive around!"
The group Postal Service has announced that they'll no longer perform concerts on Saturday.
Happy Chinese New Year! The year of the snake arrived over the weekend! Let's sing a quick round of "Auld Lang Slytherin"
From my buddy, Skip Tucker: "Maybe someone can explain to me why anyone would ever hold a poetry festival somewhere other than Nantucket."
From broadcast brother Bobby Rich: "The U.S. Postal Service announced there will be no more Saturday deliveries (except packages) starting in August. Sadly, the only way to send mail on Saturday now will be to do it instantly and free of charge on your computer."
A spokesman says that Pope Benedict intends to resign at the end of this month, because he doesn't feel he has the energy to continue in the job. Yep, he's too pooped to Pope.
What took the biggest toll? Probably that trip to the Grammy's with Nicki Minaj last year.
Spring training is getting underway for the Cardinals. But enough about the Vatican... baseball gets started this week, too!
The Pope's biggest reason for resigning? Tired of the Vatican chef asking him every morning, "So, how do you want your eggs, Benedict?"
Benedict is the first Pope to resign in 600 years. The last time a Pope resigned, Larry King was engaged for the first time.
I had a suspicion about Pope Benedict when I saw he changed his Linkedin profile to "job seeker."
Don't think Regis hasn't already applied.
So, I'm watching TV, I'm wondering why Pepsi would sponsor a commercial where the crowd is chanting, "Beat LA! Beat LA!". Then I realize, they're chanting, "Beyonce! Beyonce!"
The Grammy's--the music industry's annual salute to their own members and assault on every morning show on the radio. C'mon! It needs to start at 5 so it can be done by 8:30 and in bed by 9.
There are some times you just need to stand in front of a mirror and reflect.
The Republican party is coming out with its own line of clothes. The only problem so far is that they don't fit anybody.
A couple in Connecticut now has the longest marriage ever recorded in the U.S. They got married more than 80 years ago. What keeps them together? Not sure about the long haul, but this weekend, it was 3-feet of snow.
You know, when you think about it, there's very little left of Jennifer Lopez left to see. Over the years, we're pretty much seen all of it, section by section.
I thought of a great way to describe Katy Perry's Grammy dress: "shoplifting cantaloupes."
Oh, I know what's going to happen. The pope's going to retire, he'll have more spare time, I'll go to a movie and guess who will sit in front of me? "Uh, excuse me, your holiness. Can you remove the hat?"
I hope you had a nice Happy "Height-Weight Proportionately Challenged" Tuesday. Just trying to be PC...
I have a very simple drinking game I play every year while watching the Grammy Awards. Whenever there's a singer or a group I've never heard of, I take a shot. By the way, who were the big winners? I just woke up.
Seismic activity seems to indicate that North Korea has detonated a nuclear weapon. At first they denied it. Now they're blaming the dog.
This year for Lent, I've decided to give up trying to remember why I walked into this room.
Really, when you think about it, there is nothing more precious than hearing your child say, "Dad, I won the lotto."
"The Walking Dead" is TV's deadliest show, with an average of 38 killings an episode. Although, to be fair, a lot of those are second time around.
So, when you become a Catholic priest, you're considered to have "married the church." Does this mean Pope Benedict has asked for a divorce?
The one thing about the pope's retirement: he'll finally take off that big hat and we'll get to see for ourselves the ugly effects of deer antler spray.
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show this year was a dog named "Banana Joe." Ironically, the same name as the big winner in the annual Adult Film Awards held in Las Vegas.
Kate Upton says she was freezing while posing for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, which backs up what mom used to always say: "Never stand around nearly naked in Antarctica.
Lent! Time to give up something. This year, it's Bolivian romance novels.
The card I gave my Valentine had this poem: "I'll show you tomorrow how you're such a keeper, Because the day after, the candy's much cheaper."
Beyonce` says that becoming a mom has made her "feel more like a woman." Yeah, I know that, before, I used to always confuse her with one of the guys.
American Airlines and U.S. Air have announced they're merging and that neither of them know where your bag went.
TOP FIVE MOST DISTURBING VALENTINE'S IDEAS
Candy hearts made from real hearts
Putting on that so-called Cupid costume again
A note worth 'five free vacuum cleaner hickies'
A heart-shaped oil change gift card
A hand-made gift certificate for three hours of free stalking
TOP FIVE THINGS A POPE CAN DO AFTER RETIREMENT
Say "Holy Crap" and not get weird looks
Sleep in on Easter
Cheer for someone in baseball other than the Cardinals