This Week's Wacks
Our 899th Edition"
"When the going gets tough, try prunes"
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March 1st, 2013
Mel B of "Spice Girls" fame is joining "America's Got Talent" as a judge. Nothing says judge on an American TV show like a British accent.
Former Senator Pete Domenici of New Mexico revealed that while in office he fathered a child with the daughter of another senator, who was a friend of his. So, even though he belonged to the Senate, he was also playing House.
It's being reported that the next Pope could be a cardinal from Boston. What's the Latin phrase for "Yankees suck?"
Robert Plant told Australia's version of "60 Minutes" that he'd be up for a Led Zeppelin reunion. Of course, in Australia when you round everyone back up, it's just like in the U.S., only in the opposite direction.
When it comes to Oscar Pistorius, most people I've talked to don't believe his story, but they do believe they actually know how to pronounce his name now.
By the way, because of that pesky murder charge, Pistorius has lost his fragrance deal. Too bad. A great name would have been "Smells guilty"!
Saturday was World Sword Swallower Day. Shoot -- missed it again!
Those Oscar after-parties ought to be winding down about now...
Someone hacked into Donald Trump's Twitter account. People started getting suspicious when things he posted made sense.
President Obama has been asked to speak at Ohio State's graduation in May. Vice-President Joe Biden got a similar invitation to graduation at the Columbia Clown College.
A friend said she had "the mother of all colds." I told her that I bet the cold's kid was a little snot.
MC Hammer was pulled over in northern California for driving with expired tabs and then arrested when he refused to get out of his vehicle. If nothing else, it proved his agent wrong---he COULD get arrested!
Just a little over a week before the time change. What's the old slogan? "Spring ahead, fall Jennifer Lawrence?" Something like that...
Al-Qaida has issued a list of 22 ways that al-Qaida members can avoid being killed by U.S. drones. I like tip number 16: "Don't wear t-shirt with logo of American store Target!"
A 104-year-old woman is complaining that she can't put her real age on Facebook because the birthdates only go back as far as 1910. In Facebook's defense, what are the odds of any woman wanting to give her real age?
My pastor offered up this on Sunday: "The difference between people and God? God never claims to be us."
A new study says that student test scores may be down because of too much lead in their system. On the other hand, the students are able to write the answers to test questions using only their fingernails.
You learn something every day. All this time, I thought "Sequestration" was the act of cutting off the sequins off of Elton John.
"Argo" won the Oscar for Best Picture. Not bad for a movie without a director.
Thursday was Pope Benedict's final day on the job. So, obviously for him, the next day was a Good Friday.
A big day for the pope on Thursday. He gave his final address and his forwarding address.
OK, let me make sure I got this straight. It was Pope Benedict in "Hat Mass" and Jack in the Box in "Hot Mess," right?
From Skip Tucker: "I don't like to name-drop or brag, but I've been told by some of the biggest names in show business that I've been part of a great audience."
Once again, it's that day when I wake up, stand in front of the mirror and say to myself, "Crap--it's only Thursday!"
"Life of Pi" took home four Oscars Sunday night. If you haven't seen it, it's about a young boy trapped at sea on a small boat with a man-eating tiger... because of the sequester budget cuts.
Pizzas in Denmark have been found to contain horse meat. Police got suspicious when people started betting on Domino's delivery guys.
By the way, if you're keeping track, I refuse to host the Oscars next year.
The archeology team was heart-broken when they realized what they thought was a giant time capsule turned out to be just a septic tank.
OK, Michelle Obama: You like being on the Oscars so much? Next year, YOU host it!
Wow, I feel so…..so…Popeless.
Researchers in Germany now say that human longevity has improved so rapidly over the past century that 72 is the new 30. Especially for those who were never good at math.
TLC announced that "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" will soon be broadcast in Australia, Latin America, and the Netherlands….until they surrender.
That woman Arnold Schwarzenegger is dating is a physical therapist named Heather. She's the first woman he's dated since the third year of his marriage.
TOP FIVE HINTS YOU MAY NEED A NEW COMPUTER
- You started booting it up back in November
- Whoa! 5 megabytes of Hard Drive! Wow!
- Wow. Is that a real monochrome screen?
- Atari? What kind of brand is that?
- Need to type with hammer to get keyboard to work
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH SETH MCFARLANE
- You swear you saw an evil monkey in your closet
- You have a cartoon crush on Lois
- Your kids are named Chris, Meg and Stewie
- The entire time you watched the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit special on TV, you kept saying "Giggity! Giggity!"
- First thing after the Oscars, you went to iTunes to download "I saw your boobs!"
Tim
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