This Week's Wacks
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March 8th, 2013

For the first time ever, NBC finished 5th in the TV ratings. They're doing anything to get viewers. Like the commercial I saw for "The NBC Evening News with Brian 'Honey Boo Boo' Williams."

Pope Benedict has officially retired. Now his days are filled with getting up and heading off to another boring "Former Pope's Club" meeting.

Of course, the number one thing the pope is looking forward to the most during retirement: shorter hats!

Currently, the Catholic Church has no leader, but they're doing fine. Meanwhile, the U.S. has too many leaders and we're in deep financial doo-doo.

And this update: the Catholic Church no longer has a pope, but so far, Sacramento is keeping their Kings.

Hundreds of employees of Weight Watchers are complaining about the company's low wages. Then again, if you can't afford food, it does help to keep the pounds off.

The History Channel has a 10-part mini-series on the Bible. Lots of people are planning to watch it religiously.

Dennis Rodman met with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. One is a scary, unstable freak and the other is... too.

You know, we're supposed to give up things for Lent. I think the pope got a little carried away.

This year's edition of March Madness is going to be a little different. It's always such an amazing process: 64 cardinals, but only one gets to be pope!

Some Weight Watchers employees are threatening to go on strike in protest of the company's low wages. We don't know if all of them feel that way. Some are afraid to weigh in.

Lamborghini has unveiled a new model - the Veneno. It'll cost you $4-million. Might as well have named it the No-Friggin'-Way-Ni

They finally figured out that one word in the Mayan prediction about the end of the world. Simply translated, it means "sequestration."

I understand the cardinals have done an initial straw poll on who should be the next pope. We don't know who the winner was, but we do know Mitt Romney finished second. Again.

A new study found that at least 50 percent of all pets in the United States are overweight. I don't know about you, but I'm blaming them for setting such a poor example. Hey, who among us has not blamed the dog?

A new study found that pessimistic people actually live longer than optimists. I look forward to many years of doubting that's true.

IKEA plans to open 50 budget hotels across Europe over the next 5 years. They promise very comfortable beds. However, you'll first have to build them.

Instead of moving the clocks up just an hour this weekend, can we fast forward to when congress finally fixes this sequester crisis?

The TSA has announced that they will start allowing small knives, baseball bats and golf clubs on airline flights. Bet you in-flight service is going to going to improve.

The change was condemned by the Airline Flight Attendants Association, but praised by the Al Qaeda Suicide Bombers Club.

A huge snowstorm hit Washington, D.C. and everything came to a stop, except for congress which was already there.

Horse meat was found in some products at Taco Bell. Which explains Taco Bell's new slogan, "Gallup to the border!"

Guitarist Alvin Lee has died at the age of 68...ironically, 10 years after I last listened to something by him.

In Washington state, a prison guard was suspended after being accused of swapping chocolate chip cookies with an inmate for sex. The phrase "Nookie Cookies" comes to mind....

North Korea is threatening a pre-emptive nuclear strike on the United States. OK, Dennis Rodman, time to play some defense!

The leader of North Korea says he isn't afraid to let one fly. Suddenly, I find myself back in college.

A government spokesman said that Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez' final words were to the effect of... `I don't want to die. Please don't let me die." I expected something more like, "Why did Sean Penn ever marry Madonna! Why? Why?"

Washington, D.C. had some big winds yesterday. One gust was so strong, it actually blew congress forward. For just a brief moment.


  1.     Hey congress -- can't figure out the budget? Go ahead -- tell them!
  2.     Maybe now the airlines will make the seats a little bigger
  3.     North Korea launches missile... fly-swatted away!
  4.     Just to see shirts at Costco in size XXXXXXXXXL
  5.     Best USA basketball team ever!


  1.     Free DVR to tape "The Walking Dead" on those busy Sundays
  2.     You can finally make that change in the services -- from Latin to Pig-Latin
  3.     Finally, chance to see if Pope-mobile is more than Wienermobile
  4.     Annual speech to retirees should be easy
  5.     Might get a chance to host "SNL"

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