I put together a commercial for an event I'm involved with this weekend (as the auctioneer). My favorite line is, "Doors open at 4, windows at 4:15." Watch here
We started the week with white smoke coming out of Atlanta, as the Cardinals of Louisville were elected national champions in college basketball.
And the number one team in college basketball is Louisville, slugger.
A new study says a brisk walk will do you as much good as going on a run. Which means you can now start saying, "I really should go for a run" instead of "I really should go for a walk," since you're not doing either.
Former President George Bush has invited President Obama to the opening of his presidential library later this month. I hear the comic book collection is quite impressive.
The White House has put together a website for kids that teaches them how to manage a budget responsibly. Because if there's one thing the White House knows, its... HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!
I just found out Lil Kim is a rapper. All this time, I thought that was the nickname of North Korea's leader.
Apparently, this whole North Korea thing is a big misunderstanding. Kim Jung Un was just telling his staff that he was going to the bathroom when he said, "I need to fire off a couple of missiles."
According to a new survey, the amount of Americans who feel that marijuana should be legalized is 52%, which is higher than three years ago. The percentage, that is...
KFC is launching a new line of boneless chicken. Thank God we've figured a way around what's been slowing us down!
May I suggest we send the fired coach and AD from Rutgers to deal with North Korea? Just sayin'....
I dropped ten pounds this week. Bowling balls can be slippery.
Former adult film star Jenna Jameson was arrested on an battery charge. She was only arrested once, but frisked a total of 67 times.
A Wal-Mart employee is being praised for returning $20,000 that was accidentally left in a shopping cart. He said it wouldn't have been right to keep the $10,000 and he wanted to make sure all $5,000 got back to the rightful owner.
In Berlin, thieves made off with 5-tons of Nutella. Police hope to catch them before they spread.
Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher has died. For some reason, she always reminded me of Meryl Streep.
Wow, six of my friends all stranded in the Phillipines and all needing exactly $1800 cash! What are the odds? I barely had enough!
JC Penney has fired their CEO. He no longer has a Penney to his name.
Jane Fonda has told Oprah that she is not afraid of dying. Hopefully, in the afterlife, she won't have to "feel the burn." I'm pretty sure, in heaven, there are no exercise videos.
Delta announced that it is shrinking the size of its bathrooms to add four more seats on every plane. Yeah, that was always my complaint -- "Hey, these bathrooms are TOO spacious!"
The #1 movie in the country -- "The Evil Dead." It's a zombie picture of what the world would be like if Republicans came back to life.
Hugh Hefner turned 87 this week. Someone suggested that there would be no better way for Hugh Hefner to celebrate his birthday at the Playboy Mansion and Hugh replied, "You know him?"
Workers outside of Mexico City have found some of the most well-preserved remains ever of a wooly mammoth. Some of it was even in better shape than parts of William Shatner.
Scientists say the remains were over 10,000 years old, pre-dating most of the jokes used on this show.
Disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner might run for the mayor's job in New York City. Of course, the big question -- will Weiner rise again? Isn't that what got him in trouble the first time?
Current Mayor Michael Bloomberg's reaction? "Hot dog!"
Steven Spielberg now reveals that they used the sounds of tortoise mating for the sounds the velociraptors used in communicating in the movie, "Jurassic Park." Hopefully, there were no cases of a reptile dysfunction.
Microsoft is said to be working on a 7-inch tablet version of their Surface. Can the Malaxy S4 be far behind?
Mick Fleetwood of Fleetwood Mac and his wife of 17 years have split. He sang "You can go your own way"….and she did.
The acting president of Venezuela has put a curse on voters who don't vote for him in next week's election. At this point, Republican Party, you might as well give it a try!
TOP FIVE LEAST INSPIRING WORDS I'VE EVER HEARD
"Why give up later when you can give up now?"
"The next time you're down and in the dumps, pick me up a spare tire!"
"When life gives you lemons, squeeze 'em in their eyes!"
"Always say never."
"A quitter never wins, but he doesn't have to try as much."