This Week's Wacks
Our 907th Edition"
"Things a North Dakota news anchor would never say"
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April 26th, 2013
From Facebook: They've got a new slogan after this spring -- "April Showers Bring Snow Plowers!"
A Detroit promoter says he paid Tito Jackson $3500 to be a judge at a kids' talent search event... and Tito was a no-show. I heard Tito was afraid he wouldn't do well judging it, whatever that "talent" stuff is...
82-year-old country singer George Jones has been hospitalized. When he first started, country music was known as kingdom music.
TMZ reports that Sharon Osbourne is not going to reconcile with Ozzy Osbourne until he proves to her that he can stay sober. Ozzy responded, "Sure, no problem. What does 'sober' mean?"
Two rides at Disneyland have been temporarily shut down due to safety concerns. With the changes, the Matterhorn will now become "The Slightly Anger Horn" and Mr. Toad's Will Ride is now known as "Riding with Reese Witherspoon."
Reese Witherspoon and her husband were both arrested over the weekend. Good to see them doing things together.
The founder of USA Today, Al Neuharth, has died at the age of 89. A service will be held to look back on his Life, Tech, Sports, Travel and Opinion.
The Seattle Mariners have "Bat Night" coming up this weekend. Some were actually used by players in a game, which, of course, means they're still brand-new.
Engineers in Detroit say they've developed an electric car that can go up to 155 miles an hour until it runs out of cord.
Comedy Central is NOT renewing "Futurama." On September 4th, "Futurama" will become part of the Pastorama.
Colorado is experiencing its worst avalanche season in 50-years. Snow is unstable and could end up falling anywhere. Oh, wait, I'm sorry... that's Lindsay Lohan.
Washington state is trying to be more politically correct and from now on, will replace dairymen with "dairy farmers", freshmen with "first year students" and penmanship with "handwriting." Oh, brother. I'm sorry. "Oh, person."
Remember that Elvis impersonator who was arrested for mailing a Ricin-tainted letter to President Obama? He's been released. Turns out he also does terrorists.
From radio buddy, Bobby Rich: China hopes to rid Beijing of it's killer smog by the end of the year. Step one: find Beijing.
Sharon Osbourne says she's not giving up on her husband Ozzy, but Ozzy has announced that's officially done trying to find his car keys.
I watched "Game of Thrones" for the first time the other night. Much to my surprise there were no restrooms involved.
My friend Bruce Johnson offered up this one: "You need to be in the present. Why? You must be present to win!"
Clint Eastwood's wife, Dina, has entered rehab. Its tailgate time in America.
Some say she had started drinking because Clint was seeing another chair.
This one was on Facebook: I tried to login on my iPad. It turns out that it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don't own an iPad. I'm also out of wine.
The Seattle Mariners are making it tough to be a baseball fan. I hear their new slogan is "It's almost football season!" The official team flag is now all white. Only in Seattle do baseball fans say, "Oh well, wait until next year" in April. Then, in September, it's "Hmmmm....maybe the year after that!"
OK, I'm done.
TOP FIVE SUBTLE HINTS YOU NEED MORE SLEEP
- You just woke up in China... again.
- People are catching on to the painted eye lids trick
- You've master sleeping and yawning at the same time
- You went to a demolition derby and feel asleep
- You were having this great dream when the car behind you honked
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR INTERNET IS SLOW
- In the time it took for your picture to upload on Facebook, you grew a beard
- Even the hourglass on the screen is saying, "What's up with that?"
- An hour ago, your AOL said, "You've... "... it just said "Got... "
- You thought you were viewing a slide show, it was actually a movie
- It just completed sending an email you wrote in 2002
Tim
PSPS--Rioting and Carol Burnett, both get a mention on my blog
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