This Week's Wacks
Our 908th Edition"
"Since it's tomorrow, I'll say it today--May the 4th be with you"
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May 3rd, 2013
Tomorrow is the Opening Day of Boating Season in Seattle. Like they would have arrested you for taking your boat out last week.
Another one from Facebook: "If you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut!"
Danica Patrick's divorce has been finalized. I mean, she's attractive and all, but she's been around the track a few too many times for me.
The Notre Dame football player with the imaginary girlfriend, Manti Te'o, wasn't taken in the first round of the NFL draft, but he did receive an encouraging phone call from Snow White.
May I just say again how grateful I am that there are no background checks for disc jockeys?
I was doing some reflecting earlier today. Then I moved away from the mirror.
Nice toast to a new groom I heard: "You can be happy or you can be right, but you can't be both."
The New York Jets have released quarterback Tim Tebow. Tebow Time is apparently over.
Ashton Kutcher got into a scuffle at a music festival over the weekend. I think it's a pretty safe bet that the fight began when someone said, "Hey, Ashton, your show's not funny!"
Kelly Osbourne says she lost 70 pounds by hula-hooping. Sounds like someone's gone a little Whammo!
Budweiser has come out with the "Buddy Cup," a pint glass with a built-in chip that connects to Facebook. Whenever you toast someone else using a Buddy Cup, you'll automatically be connected to each other on Facebook. Yep, that's what I was missing in life.
Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands abdicated her throne Tuesday, turning things over to her son, who will become their first king in 120 years! That is, if the NBA approves the move.
The NBA has recommended against approving the Sacramento Kings from relocating to Seattle. It's the prom, all over again.
Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands has abdicated her throne and turned over the kingdom to her eldest son. In a related story, Prince Charles videotaped the whole thing and is replaying it over and over at Buckingham Palace.
Jason Collins of the Washington Wizards has come out, not that there's anything wrong with that... except for the Wizards part.
Yeah, Jason said the toughest part about telling his family was not about being guy, but playing for the Washington Wizards.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? No. Allergies.
Willie Nelson celebrated his 80th birthday this week. I remember 30 years ago, when he first looked 80.
NBA announcers are adjusting after Jason Collins big 'Coming out' announcement. For example, from now on, a shot that doesn't touch the rim will be referred to as "nothing but net" instead of a "swish."
With Jason Collins coming out of the closet this week, he becomes the first NBA to not be fathering kids in at least two cities.
Seems like it wasn't that long ago that the big news in the NBA was Michael Jordon coming out... of retirement!
Dave Gold, the founder of the 99-cent Stores has died. He was 80. Friends described him as "just a penny shy of a full buck!"
A new study found that certain fish use sign language to communicate. I can't imagine how hard that would be without hands.
I imagine that comes in handy for those fish hard of herring.
Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey renewed their wedding vows at Disneyland to celebrate their 5th anniversary. I know what you're saying-"That's just Goofy." No, he was the minister.
TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT BAND IS GETTING TOO OLD TO TOUR
- A song... a restroom break... a song... a restroom break...
- Those flashing lights on stage are actually cardiograms
- That's not a new female member of the group -- she's their nurse
- Rider insists on fresh prunes in the dressing room
- Mosh pit filled with walkers
TOP FIVE HINTS YOUR BASEBALL MIGHT NEED A NEW MANAGER
- Asks, "So, do YOU think we should punt?"
- When someone yells out time, he replies, "It's 4:30"
- Has a halftime speech, but doesn't know where to put it
- Previous experience includes 3-years as a t-ball coach
- He wrote the book, "Forfeit is not a dirty word"
Tim
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