This Week's Wacks
Our 910th Edition"
"Stop reading this! It'll hurt your eyes!"
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May 17th, 2013
New predictions claim that 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. We're not that far from merely being overweight as being viewed as healthy. "Oh, you're overweight? Well, at least you're not obese!"
According to a new poll, Americans trust Judge Judy more than they trust Supreme Court justices. And the great decline continues...
It is against the law in Alaska to awaken a sleeping bear. Is it really necessary to have a law for that? Doesn't the situation pretty much take care of itself?
Doesn't it bother anyone else that when we reach the brink of a nuclear war, our fate lies with Dennis Rodman?
I waited a little too long to make reservations for Mother's Day brunch. But I must say, mom seemed to really like the place we drove through.
A new survey said that Americans spent $168 on Mother's Day this year. That's about right--$5 for a card I got her and $163 for that new golf club I bought on eBay.
NBC, in a move designed to be more efficient, has announced that they're already canceling five of their new shows next year.
Yo, yo, yo... original "American Idol" judge, Randy Jackson, is leaving the show after 12 seasons. The guy who was "In it to win it" is now "Out of it because he's doubting it."
Taco Bell has announced they're introducing a new $1 cravings menu. For the record, there is a cure for that habit.
NASA is taking applications for people who want to fly on a one-way trip to Mars. So you know, I've already checked: you can't apply for other people!
FOX has canceled the Kiefer Sutherland series, "Touch." I'm surprised the little kid didn't predict that coming.
The I.R.S. is now admitting that it did target groups connected with the Tea Party and anyone whose name rhymed with Schmomney.
The sun released a giant solar flare on Mother's Day. Moms around the world could be heard saying, "That's my sun!"
Kobe Bryant is suing his mother over sports memorabilia of his that she's selling to raise money. He says she has no right to sell it. Needless to say, it was an awkward Mother's Day this year.
Those weird-looking cicadas will start showing up in droves in the northeastern part of the United States for the first time in 17 years. Oh, wait -- those are New Kids on the Blocks fans.
Minnesota is legalizing gay marriage. They also made a major announcement about the Twin Cities: after all these years, they're not really twins. They just dress alike.
Dr. Joyce Brothers died at the age of 85. She was a famous psychologist, but I knew her as the not-very-funny one on the "Hollywood Squares." I'm sure she would be thrilled to have known that.
Salt Lake City has been named the best city to start your post-college life for graduates. Probably not a bad spot for former Republican presidential candidates, too.
After appearing in court, it's apparent that O.J. Simpson has put on a few pounds. One thing's for sure--he won't be escaping jail through the bars.
Maybe the I.R.S. was targeting the Tea Party just because they wanted to know what time the party started. Hey, I'm spinning here.
A new study says by 2030 household robots will dominate every phase of our lives. I don't know if that includes all "50 Shades" of domination, but I guess we'll just have to wait to find out.
"Every phase of our life," huh? Gee, I can't wait to have a robot tell me, "Oh, not tonight."
Today, while outside the White House, a bird swooped down and almost flew into the president. The I.R.S. immediately began an audit on the bird.
Linkedin is no longer going to allow prostitution to be a profession listed on your resume. Shoot -- there go half my endorsements!
Never let the haters win! Except for Bill Hader. He's funny.
Rod Stewart says that the use of too many steroids -- how do I say this? -- shrinked his dink.
We're now hearing the I.R.S. targeted certain groups by following them on Twitter and their Facebook posts. And if they really didn't like them, they would relentlessly, day after day, ask them to play Farmville!
Too bad the Oklahoma City Thunder were knocked out of the playoffs by the Memphis Karma…..uh, I mean, Grizzlies. Can you tell? I'm from Seattle?
Big promotion at the I.R.S this week. Their director was promoted to Scape Goat.
O.J. Simpson has put on a little while in prison. We found out this weekend when he was in court and took a couple of stands to testify.
David Beckham has announced he's going to retire from soccer at the end of this season. You can almost hear millions of female fans saying at the same time, "OK, done with this sport!"
TOP FIVE SPORTS THAT WILL PROBABLY NEVER CATCH ON
- Contact Pinochle
- Piranha Tickling
- Shark Wrestling
- Toxic Spill Surfing
- Outhouse Diving
TOP FIVE QUESTIONS THAT PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE ON YOUR JOB APPLICATION
- How many lunches a day will I get?
- Do I actually have to come in?
- I know there's overtime, but do you also do undertime?
- Which days can I not leave early?
- What's your position on slackers?
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
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