There's a movie coming out this summer that shows the White House being destroyed, called "White House Down." My guess is, it's about the I.R.S. REALLY getting out of control.
Amazon was trying to produce a "Zombieland" TV series, but test audiences killed it. My guess is, with a blunt instrument.
Yep, after this season, David Beckham is going to retire. Once again, all the yells of "Take your shirt off!" will be directed to me.
There was a 6.8 magnitude earthquake off the coast of Chile. Good thing I don't live there.
The winning $600-million Powerball ticket was sold somewhere in Florida. I must have a relative down there. I must.
Please tell me that now that Billboard Magazine has honored Madonna, we'll never have to wait through another rambling thank you speech like that one again!
Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson have apparently called it quits. And after she became a vampire and everything.
Maybe he bit her in the neck, tried her blood and decided she wasn't his type.
Well, there's no "American Idol" on my television this week... which is the same as last week.
Just curious: If someone asked you to name stars, how long would it take before you'd start naming people on "Dancing with the Stars?"
MSNBC's ratings are the lowest they've been in 7 years. They're actually getting beat by the Indigestion Channel.
Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne have moved back in together. They're going to wait a couple of days before telling Ozzy.
Former disgraced congressman Anthony Weiner has announced he's running for mayor of New York City. Yep, he's thrown in his shirt... uh, I mean, hat.
Well, we already know his publicity photos have been taken... for his opponent's campaign.
Apparently, he's planning to reach out to the "Big Gulp" vote.
Sandra Bullock's former husband Jesse James accidentally cut off a part of his pinky on Monday. To be clear, I'm referring to his little finger.
Working out! This morning, this afternoon and if I do it tonight, that'll make three times I've thought about doing it.
Michelle Obama gave a commencement at a high school in Nashville and said this about her husband; "I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures." You can almost hear the I.R.S. filling out the audit forms……
Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will star in a low-budget horror movie called "The Toxic Avenger." His trademark is showing up at the scene of the crime and people asking, "What did you just say?"
A 19-year-old student in Lawrenceville, Georgia, was failing English and he didn't want to tell his parents about it. So he faked his own kidnapping. I tried the same thing once back in college. My parents still haven't paid.
Brad Pitt says he has a medical condition that causes him to forget people's faces. This could explain how he mistook Angelina Jolie for Jennifer Aniston…..or not.
Kellie Pickler is the new "Dancing with the Stars" champ. Ironically, over on the food channel, a woman named Kelli Dancer was the big winner of "Pickling with the Stars." You know I'm kidding, right?
So, my doctor walks into the room and says, "You're having memory issues, aren't you?" and I said, "How can you tell just by walking in the room?" and he replied, "Because you didn't have an appointment!"
TOP FIVE EARLY IDEAS FOR FATHER'S DAY
What was that thing we got for mom again that she didn't like?
You wanna try re-wrapping what we got him again last year?
A fresh pair of white sox to go with those black shoes when wearing shorts
An office hammock
The Beer-Filled Seat Cushion
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR MASSAGE THERAPIST IS BRAND-NEW
"Uh, what's that meat tenderizer for?"
That AC/DC on the boombox was a dead giveaway
Wearing latex gloves because "bare skin feels creepy"