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June 7th, 2013

Mariah Carey and Niki Minaj have quit "American Idol." Who could have seen that coming?

A giant asteroid -- as big as the Golden Gate Bridge -- passed by the earth on Friday. Of course, it was moving much faster than traffic on the Golden Gate Bridge.

J.C. Penney has suspended sales of their Hitler look-alike tea kettle. As you know, it caused quite a Fuhrer.

A New York woman is suing Rihanna, saying a sample of her new lipstick gave her herpes. Ironically, the color of her sore was sort of a Chris Brown.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have announced they're having a girl. Or, in Kanye's words, "a mini-ho."

They've already chosen Pink... as the person they'd like to have baby sit.

Kanye is said to have hardly been around Kim. If he stays away after the baby's birth, he could be named an honorary NBA player.

Vice-President Joe Biden has canceled his annual press beach party this summer. No reasons why, except maybe he wants to cut back on photo opportunities of him in the water wings.

According to a new survey, 60% of Americans say they would be happy riding in a self-driving car. Like I've been deciding which way to turn...

Does someone need to say out loud to Miley Cyrus -- "OK, we get it: you're NOT Hanna Montana anymore!"

Britain's Queen Elizabeth has now been on the throne for 60 years! When she first started, only her upper lip was stiff.

Michael Douglas claims that his throat cancer was due to too much oral sex. Yeah, and my bad back is an old threesome injury.

A new study says that vegetarians live longer than meat eaters. Or, if nothing else, it seems longer.

I'm inspired to bring up the old adage: "If God didn't want us to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat?"

I guess that explains why President Obama said he would never order a drone strike against a U.S. citizen -- he's got the I.R.S. to do that.

Starbucks is now banning smoking within 25 feet of its stores. It only gets tricky when two Starbucks are within 50 feet of each other.

A Los Angeles judge has finalized Kim Kardashian's divorce from NBA player Kris Humphries. Now she's free to go ahead and do all the things she's obviously already done.

Michelle Obama was heckled at a fund-raiser the other night. Obviously, it was someone very confident about their tax records.

A Saudi Prince visited Disneyland and spent $20-million over three days. Someone should have told him to bring in his own food.

Major League Baseball is about to suspend 20 players connected to a performance-enhancing drug scandal, even though one player threatens to destroy the league with his laser-vision eyes.

They just posted a new 7-day forecast. We'll be getting the same 7 days we got the past 7 days. No new ones.

A new report says if Republicans want to win over young voters they need to get up to date with technology. The report cited last year's "Pong Players for Romney" fund-raiser, as an example.

On Sunday night, there was a huge, bloody massacre on "Game of Thrones," which scares me.  I just don't want anyone giving the I.R.S. more ideas.

Nokia is going to unveil a new phone next month with a 41-mega pixel camera. OK, when is a phone with a really good camera just a camera that can make phone calls?

In Virginia, a candidate for Lieutenant Governor said that yoga may result in Satanic possession. Now THERE'S a stretch.


  1.     "A penny saved is pointless"
  2.     "Never count your chickens at a KFC"
  3.     "A stitch in time saves digging out the sewing machine"
  4.     "A Rolling Stone is at least 70"
  5.     "A bird in the hand will probably poop"


  1.     The size of your shirt has more X's than Larry King
  2.     It's two chairs or nothing
  3.     You need a pilot walker in front of you to check for door openings
  4.     Your love handles are easier to grip than ever
  5.     The floor creaked and you're walking on cement

Laugh a little, would ya?

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