This Week's Wacks
Our 915th Edition"
"Summer begins this weekend! In Seattle, that's when the rain gets warmer"
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June 21st, 2013
Billy Ray Cyrus' wife has filed for divorce. Yeah, give her an inch and she'll take a Miley.
There are reports that female terrorists are being fitted with exploding breast implants. Terrorists can be so cruel.
Mick Jagger says he's been doing ballet for years to stay in shape. Oh, I'm sorry -- that's not 'ballet'... it's 'a ballerina'.
Donald Trump tweeted that he tried to watch an episode of "Modern Family" and said that it "must have been written by a moron." I know when I'm looking for comedy reviews, I always turn to the Donald.
I gotta say, the come down from "Father's Day" was a lot harder this year. Now I can barely say, "Can you bring me... ?" without hearing "Get it yourself!"
Time to get out there and hit those After Father's Day sales.
Truth be told--whenever spam comes into my email inbox, inviting me to take a Carnival Cruise, I bust out laughing.
My current theory is that daytime TV is so bad, they're hoping to inspire you to go back to work.
Wow, they now have toddler diapers in Monsters, Inc designs. As if what's inside isn't scary enough.
Sesame Street introduces "Alex" -- a muppet whose dad is in jail. By the way, today's show is brought to you by the word 'penitentiary' and the numbers 60-years-to-life.
A 97-year-old man from New York just received his high school diploma. The sad part is that he earned it when he was 95. It just took him this long to reach the podium.
You've heard that NSA stands for "no secrets anymore," right?
The Democrats beat the Republicans 22-0 last week in the Congressional baseball game. Shut out again. Republicans seem to be striking out a lot... AND they lost the game, too.
Sesame Street has introduced a new character who has a parent in jail. This could pave the way for at least a brief appearance by the original voice of Elmo.
Michelle Obama and the girls had lunch yesterday with Bono. By the way, he still hasn't found what he's looking for...
Vice-President Joe Biden said he had no interest in going to the G-8 Summit. He's not a big fan of tomato juice drinks.
Buddy Matt Case points out that beds are always the most comfy right before you have to get out of it.
A temporary structure to replace that Washington State bridge that fell last month will open today. I'd just like to say 3 words: "No, after you."
My friend Kristin told me she saw a spider that terrified so she sprayed it with hairspray. It didn't kill the spider, but his hair looked fabulous.
The city of Los Angeles has banned all plastic bags. Of course, there is an actress exemption.
A Jodi Arias Made-for-TV movie airs Saturday on Lifetime. I hate to break it to Lifetime, but I don't think you win anything for being first.
The new Superman movie, "Man of Steel," has a few modern twists. For example, now he's susceptible to two things: Kryptonite and gluten.
An online survey asked parents who were the worst celebrity role models and their top choices: Miley Cyrus and Chris Brown. This, in spite of Lindsay Lohan's best efforts.
Apple is now offering a male version of their automated "personal assistant/navigator," Siri. Only thing is, when you ask him, for example, "Where's the nearest gas station?" he yells out, "Hey, Siri, this guy wants to know where the nearest gas station is!"
Founder and spokesperson George Zimmer was fired yesterday by the Men's Warehouse. I hate to say it, but I like the way it looks.
My country cousin Fitz tells me there's a new app that can calculate your life expectancy. It's pretty simple. It asks, "Are you using this while you drive?" And if you say yes, it replies, "You're gonna die soon."
Now we're finding out that the Captain on the Captain Crunch cereal box is not really a captain because his uniform only has 3 strips, not 4. I even heard that he's actually not crunchy, but merely crackly.
Congratulations to this year's winner of "The Voice", Danielle Bradbery. She hopes to be the next Cassidy Pope.
Police have given up searching for Jimmy Hoffa's body in Michigan. Just like people who went to see Will Smith's new movie, they found nothing.
Dunkin' Donuts is redesigning its stores so that customers will want to sit down and relax. After all, most people who go to Dunkin' Donuts are usually on their way home after working out.
In the new movie, "World War Z", cell phones awaken zombies. So there is an upside to a zombie apocalypse.
"Here comes Honey Boo Boo" will be back for another season July 17th. Mama June calls it as a "watch & sniff" episode. My guess is that you'll tear up, remembering just how good TV used to be.
TOP FIVE SIGNS IT'S ALMOST SUMMER
- The Christmas stuff is showing up at Costco
- The lawn is starting to turn... oh, wait, it already was brown
- There really is nothing on TV
- Wading pools are no longer waiting
- The Chicago Cubs are in last place (also a sign of spring)
TOP FIVE UNUSUAL WAYS TO CELEBRATE THE ARRIVAL OF SUMMER
- Put up your summer lights (OK, they're my Christmas lights... just re-branded)
- Open a lemonade martini stand (adults can have fun, too)
- Fly a kite in your office using a box fan
- Set up the Slip 'n Slide at work
- Sit on a snow cone
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
PSPS--Fatherly observations on my blog this week
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