The L.A. Lakers have waived Metta World Peace. His fans are now chanting, "All we are asking, is give Peace a chance."
According to a report from Pakistan, Osama bin Laden wore a big cowboy hat when he walked around his compound to shield him from being seen by U.S. drones. He was known to see the devout on their way to Mecca and would say, "Well, howdy, pilgrims!"
Osama bin Laden once got a speeding ticket in Pakistan. They must have skipped that in "Zero Dark Thirty."
I remember when Justin Bieber was just starting out and didn't have a mop bucket to piss in.
My buddy Skip Tucker passed this one along: The next time someone asks you if you have a sec, tell them, "Actually, I have lots of secs" and they'll forget what they were going to ask you.
Just killed a huge spider. Oh wait, that must have been the baby and here comes it's mother! It looks like....AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Have you had your first Twinkie -- the next generation?
I don't want to live forever. I just want to out-last a Hostess Twinkie.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is going to appear as himself on the new Michael J. Fox Show. As you can imagine, it's going to take at least two episodes to get him all in.
I hosted a Lutefisk eating contest last weekend. Modify these lines when you host your own food-eating contest:
This is honor of that attempted coup by the Lutefisk Brotherhood.
Welcome to our special guest, Edward Snowden. He, like you, felt this would be the last place anyone would ever look for you.
Lutefisk is such a weird food, Paula Deen dropped us.
I won't say what eating this much lutefisk will do to you, but it did inspire the TV series, "Game of thrones"
The U.S. government had a $116.5 billion surplus in June. An official investigation will be launched to figure out what went right.
The average price for a One Direction concert ticket has climbed to $674. That's roughly $169 a direction.
Just royally waiting for the royal birth and for the royal water to royally break.
A new study is claiming that a later retirement could help you fight off Alzheimer's and other dementia. So you're saying I could be fully aware that I didn't retire as early as I wanted to? Great.
Some deaf customers are suing a New York Starbucks, saying the employees were insensitive to them. A spokesman for Starbucks says they wouldn't hear of it.
Pope Francis is now offering to forgive your sins via Twitter. I believe his handle is #ProfessorOfConfessers
The #1 beer drinking state in the U.S.? North Dakota. Why? I just said, they live in North Dakota.
In 2012, the U.S. consumed 28.2 gallons of beer for every adult of legal age. Way to cover for the slackers!
... about as insistent as Stevie Wonder asking, "We're not in Florida, are we?"
A new study claims that mosquitos prefer beer drinkers. I guess, for my health's sake, I better switch to wine.
I believe I heard that Florida is changing their official state motto,from "The Sunshine State" to "The Gun's Mine State."
The Queen okays same sex marriages in England. Somehow that seems redundant! (Thanks Ken Niolu for that one)
Justin Bieber has gotten a tattoo of his mother's eye on his right arm. Now it will be able to see what his left arm is doing.
There's going to be a new cable TV station just for dogs. I can just see the lineup: "Roll Over: The Movie", "The Big Bone Theory", "Fetching with the Stars", "The Good Boy" .and so on
Twinkies are back on store shelves again and healthier than ever. I hear they're even working on a gluten-free model.
Pope Francis is on a two-week vacation. Nice that he can get away for a while from the daily grind of pope-ing.
TOP FIVE SIGNS THIS ISN'T A GREAT CAMPGROUND
Giant sign that says "1 Day Since We Lost Our Last Camper"
Camp Ranger has the last name 'Vodemort '
There's the famous "Poison Ivy Trail"
"I've never camped at a place where vultures circle overhead"
The name was a hint: Camp Screwya
FIVE NEW SUPER HEROES MAKING THEIR DEBUT THIS WEEKEND AT COMIC-CON