This Week's Wacks
Our 923rd Edition
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August 16th, 2013

Hey Wacksters!  Taking my first-ever two-week vacation of my adult life.  Hold your breath and think about baseball, but the next WACK you see will be on September 6th.  Be strong.  Be patient. B-14.  Bingo!

A long-lost Orson Welles film that was thought to have been destroyed in a fire has made its big screen debut 75 years after it was made. It's a comedy, called "Too Much Johnson." Just so we're all on the same page, an Anthony Weiner joke here is just too easy.

Brigham Young University has been named the top sober school in America for the 16th year in a row. Part of the credit goes to the fact that Jell-O shots are just that -- just Jell-O.

The University of Iowa has been named the number one party school in America for 2013. Ironically, the Hawkeyes are really good at seeing police coming.

Friday was "Take your Gun to Starbucks" Day. The prices still didn't come down.

Although, if you saved your receipt, you could come in for a free reload after 2pm.

Never say "never" to yourself. Well, OK, this one time, but then that's it.

Singer Eydie Gorme` died Saturday at the age of 84. Doctors blamed it on the Bossa Nova.

The American Academy of Pediatrics says that kids are watching too much TV. I don't know. I watched a lot of TV when I was growing up and it affected me not so badder.

The Mars rover Curiosity is celebrating its first anniversary up on Mars. So far, this past year, it's sent back 70,000 photos. Just shy of what I've posted on Facebook. Yes, I am addicted.

Researchers at the University of Chicago say that dolphins, not elephants, have the longest memories in the animal kingdom. I wonder why I keep forgetting that?

A man in Colorado wants marijuana to be classified as a vegetable. Instead of being a vegan, you could be a weedan.

An unheard of Bob Dylan song has emerged after 43 years. Now, I've got to figure out how to un-hear it.

Kim and Kanye say that pictures of little baby North West are not for sale. In other words, the bids are definitely not high enough.

Buddy Matt Case has a good rule: If I meet you for a date and you don't look anything like your picture, then you're buying drinks for me until you do.

New research indicates that Neanderthals were probably more advanced than we gave them credit... which, of course, means they probably WOULD choose insurance from Geico.

The NFL says they are going to crack down on excessive celebrations this season. A member of the Kansas City Chiefs asked, "What's celebrating?"

FOX Sports launches its new "Sports 1" cable channel this Saturday. This ought to help a lot with the sports channel shortage on cable.

Ashton Kutcher revealed his real name at the Teen Choice Awards which begs the question, "If you got to choose, why Ashton?"

Funny line from Conan: ""Star Wars" creator George Lucas and his wife just welcomed their first child. He won't tell the child he is the father until episode five."

That rodeo clown who wore the Obama mask the other day has been banned for life. Maybe we could get A-Rod to wear one, so we can get this whole thing over with.

China's Ming Dynasty lasted for 276.  Now, maybe, you can understand my concern about "Duck Dynasty."

The woman carrying Simon Cowell's baby has finalized her divorce with Cowell's best friend.  This clears the way for Simon to do absolutely nothing.

Calvin Klein's ex-boyfriend says he's not gay.  I'll let you figure that one out.

This is the same guy who called Lindsay Lohan "an actress", so saying "delusional" would be kind.

Allen Glover Lanier, keyboardist/guitarist and founding member of Blue Oyster Cult, has died at the age of 67.  May we have a moment of silence.  OK, now, with more cowbell.

Two women have stepped forward and claimed they had affairs with Khloe Kardashian's husband, Lamar Odom.  Yeah, I'm also surprised it was only two.


  1.     Send all your money to me for safe-keeping
  2.     Hire an attorney to make sure our winnings are protected
  3.     Let me help you make sure you no one tries to take advantage of you
  4.     Besides me, determine who else you'd split the money with
  5.     Of course, remember who gave you all this good advice


  1.     By 10am, you'd already been caught trying to escape work three times
  2.     Announcing how many hours and minutes to go every five minutes is irritating
  3.     Flipping off a nun on the drive in -- that's a new low.
  4.     That "I don't want to be at work" t-shirt says a lot
  5.     Your boss dragging you from your car to your desk was rather pathetic

Laugh a little, would ya?

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