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September 13th, 2013

Friday the 13th, not that I'm superstitious or anything....knock on wood.

A "Friday the 13th" in the year 2013?  How could that possibly be unlucky?

However, just to play it safe, on this date I always avoid people named Jason.

Those of you moaning the loss of the $1 hamburger at McDonalds: I've been around long enough that I remember the 19-cent burger at the Golden Arches. Somehow, you'll pull through...

Chaz Bono is walking around 70-pounds lighter these days. He's not the same man that he became.

Now President Obama is asking congress to approve a small drone strike, just to send a strong message to Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian.

"New York Fashion Week" continues. In spite of the president's promises, there were still boots on the ground.

64% of people say they use their FOOT to flush the toilet in a public bathroom. Not me. I take my shoe off, wear it as a glove and use my hand.

A school district in Little Rock, Arkansas has announced plans for a dress code that will require teachers to wear underwear. This also the new job posting, "Director of Checking."

Serena Williams won the U.S. Open Tennis Tournament. In other news, the tide came back in.

Bruno Mars will be the half-time performer at the next Superbowl. It's going to be quite a show. I hear he'll catch a grenade for you... put his head on a blade for you...

Can someone check and see if the baseball season is still underway? I'm SO into football this year.

You can now be buried in a coffin with a stereo system that costs $30,000. I'm thinking I'd rather have a really nice high def TV. I'll get the same use out of it.

Tim Teabow looked good at the game on Sunday. Good seats... row 21, I think...

Miley Cyrus sings nude in her new video, "Wrecking Ball." She could put metaphor writers out of work.

Worked in 9 holes before work this morning. So nice to start the day eating Swiss cheese.

Can the phrase "Miley style" be far behind?

Hey, Jimmy Kimmel -- please tell me you had nothing to do with this whole Syria thing.

It's New York Fashion Week, when it's not unusual to walk by a restaurant with 8 models at a table splitting an olive.

Hard to believe it's almost time again for the "Honey Boo Boo Thanksgiving Special."

Do we need to organize a telethon, to raise enough money to buy clothes for Miley Cyrus?

The world is going insane. Now the ACLU is suing to try and stop the praying mantis from praying.

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish even though he's 100-miles from any water and he'll starve.

Miley Cyrus went to the store today and got groceries. Sorry, but everything she does these days is so bizarre that when she does something normal, it's news!

President Obama declared to the nation Tuesday night that if we do attack Syria, American boots will not touch the ground. In a related story, today, the U.S. Military unveiled a new line of shoes, sandals, loafers, wing tips, pumps and flip flops.

A new survey finds that 8 out of 10 Americans feel that Syria is... oh, my God, is that Miley Cyrus on a wrecking ball?

Apple has announced a much lower-priced iPhone. It looks like a regular iPhone, but instead of Siri, you get her second cousin who works as a fry cook, Sooie.

The new iPhone uses fingerprint technology instead of a password because, after all, the government already has that.

Thinking about it: if Apple really wanted to set the world on fire, they should have invented an iPhone that cooks bacon.

Russia's President Vladimir Putin says the United States is wrong about Syria and it reflects the thinking of 100 years ago. He made the comments during a government-sponsored anti-gay rally.

President Obama has drawn a red line and said, "It must stop!" But, in spite of his stance, Miley Cyrus keeps making videos.

There's all this talk about, "How do we destroy Syria's chemical weapons?" Wait... doesn't Miley Cyrus have a wrecking ball?


  1.     The Valentine's Day stuff is coming out at Costco
  2.     Almost time for the season premiere of "Survivor: Didn't We Do This Already?"
  3.     'America's Got Talent' is down to their final 236 acts
  4.     Votes in congress for the president's plans are starting to fall
  5.     Oakland Raiders fans are already saying "Wait until next year!"


  1.     He's walking on your back with his shoes on. His golf shoes!
  2.     Five minutes into your 1-hour massage, he says he's taking a 30-minute break
  3.     He prefers giving them wearing baseball gloves
  4.     He keeps saying, "Ouch! That hurts"
  5.     Wait! Is that 10-40 motor oil?

Laugh a little, would ya?

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