This Week's Wacks
Our 926th Edition
"My birthday present to you. Yep, that's all you're getting"
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September 20th, 2013
Last week Americans viewed 12 times as many stories about Miley Cyrus as they did about Syria... which explains why they were against attacking Syria but all for pre-emptory strikes on Miley.
A brewer has apparently come out with a beer that you can spread on toast. Just when you didn't think there was a good reason to get up and have breakfast.
There's talk that the Vatican is considering a new rule that would allow Catholic priests to get married one day. The old line is, "Well, they already know about heaven... "
Over 2700 have now paid up front to go on a one-way trip to Mars. Their only request: can we leave before the next Miley Cyrus video comes out?
News reports say that there are 1,000 feral rhesus monkeys living in Florida and many of them have herpes. Whatever you do, don't walk around down there acting like a sexy banana.
Syrian President Assad says he is turning over his chemical weapons because Russia asked him to, "not because of the U.S. threatening to bomb him." He also said his doctor just told him he's allergic to gluten and being bombed.
Crisis in New York -- with Eliot Spitzer losing his run for comptroller and Anthony Weiner losing his race for mayor, the city currently has no politician embarrassing himself.
Pope Francis just got a used car: a 1984 Renault with 190,000 miles on it! Only 20,000 more than the Pope.
The Seattle crowd at the Seahawks/49ers game Sunday night set the Guinness Book of World Records mark for the loudest crowd ever at a sporting event. We reached 136.6 decibels, which is equivalent to the sound of Sugar Bear running over Mama June's foot with a tractor.
We knew all along we could set the record for loudest stadium, but others wouldn't hear of it.
Facebook post: "The Wizard of Oz is celebrating its 70th anniversary. Today if Dorothy bumped into men with no brains and no hearts, she'd be in congress!"
OK, so now what am I going to do with this "Miley and Liam" tattoo?
AAA is predicting that gasoline will stay above $3 a gallon for at least the next 1,000 days. Way to go out on those skinny branches.
Sandra Bullock tells Vogue Magazine that, as a general rule, she doesn't look back. Keep an eye open for her in a parking lot.
The owner of Starbucks, Howard Schultz, is asking people to keep guns out of his stores, even if the local laws allow it. This from a guy who doesn't consider it robbery to charge $5 for a cup of coffee.
The publisher of Penthouse Magazine has filed for bankruptcy. Ironically, shareholders will be left with what the women wear in the magazine -- nothing.
Dairy farmers now warn that there could be a jump in the price of milk by the end of the year, forcing the price of milk up to as much as $6 a gallon! In ironic news, a man has invented a car that runs on milk.
A new study found that toddlers who talk early tend to develop a drinking problem later on in life. One of the big signs is when they ask for a bottle, "shaken, not stirred."
Russia apparently has asked Cher to perform at next year's Winter Olympics. Yep, that'll keep the gays away.
3.2-million Americans watched the season finale of "Here comes Honey Boo Boo" last week. The scary part -- you may know one of them.
In Sweden, a court has ruled that public masturbation is not a crime. It's going to be a lot more interesting at the beach next summer.
Someone in South Carolina has a winning Powerball ticket for that $400,000 jackpot. We don't know their name, but I'm pretty sure it's a relative.
Is Pink ordering a steak rare redundant?
Yesterday was "National Talk Like a Pirate Day." I was ready. I had practiced saying, "Hey, want an illegal copy of the first season of Breaking Bad?"
Sunday night is the Emmy Awards, Hollywood's night to salute television shows that I didn't even know were on the air.
Why do they call it "rush hour?" If you get on the roads at that time, it's the last thing you're going to do.
TOP FIVE SIGNS IT'S TIME TO CLEAN OUT THE GARAGE
- There's not even room for a garage door
- It's featured in this month's issue of "Cluttered" magazine
- To take something out, you need a crow bar
- To put one more in there, you'd need to coat it with butter
- That's a garage? I thought it was a giant trash compacter
TOP FIVE HINTS THAT EMAIL MIGHT CONTAIN A VIRUS
- Your computer screen is starting to itch
- The file attached is named "Say goodbye to data"
- It's from an African Prince, just a different one
- Your virus detector just said, "Uh, duh!"
- The phrase "Click here for your free virus" is a bit obvious
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
PSPS--My philosophies on aging on my blog
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