This Week's Wacks
Our 935th Edition
"Less than 3 weeks until...yep"
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December 6th, 2013
Scientists are testing chemicals that can delete people's memories. Yeah, like that's a problem.
I just got a phone case that would also hold your credits. Hey, might as well lose all the important stuff at one time!
The good news -- fortunately, with the Internet and Cyber Monday, we've actually developed a way to shop after you drop.
Let me just say if you've spent the last four days sleeping in a tent by your computer, waiting for "Cyber Monday," you've got a problem.
At this point, if I was guessing, I'd say the first non-turkey meal at our house will probably roll around on Thursday. Hopefully, breakfast.
A report says that 18% of Americans say that they are at their ideal weight. Which, of course, means that 82% of Americans resent you.
President Obama has signed a bill allowing 300 research chimps to retire. Hmmmm... what about one of those for congress?
Just so there's no misunderstanding, if someone says to you, "Did you get lucky and get the wishbone?," that's in reference to your Thanksgiving turkey. You're welcome.
Amazon is hoping to offer drone delivery service within five years. I've never given a lousy tip to a robot before.
Last weekend was Small Business Saturday. How much did I spend? What did I buy? Welcome to None of Your Business Tuesday!
George Clooney says he just hasn't met "the one" yet. That's gotta make "the current one" feel real great.
A new survey claims that the U.S. is the 73rd most corrupt country in the world. I'll bet we could buy our way down to 90th.
Hard to believe it's just three weeks from yesterday that I'll be starting my Christmas shopping.
They say it's not a good idea to give stock as a gift, the least of which trying to figure out how to gift wrap a cow.
In my mind, I'm imagining a Miley Cyrus Christmas special where she accidentally gets her tongue stuck on a pole dancer.
Santa Claus has announced a deal with Amazon and is delivering all the gifts this year with drones. Instead of cookies, you might want to leave out a can of WD-40.
A woman in Dallas was walking home from work when a guy with a knife demanded her purse. Fortunately, she worked at a hair salon and was carrying a container of hot wax at the time, which she threw at the bad guy, who fled. Police are asking you to be on the looking for the suspect, who is described as "smooth and dangerous."
Microsoft is working on developing a "smart bra." What does the word "re-boob" come to mind?
"Uh, my eyes are up here!" "Yes, but your hot spot is down there!"
Yes, that's what women really want -- Windows for boobs.
Pope Francis has admitted that, in his younger days, he worked as a bouncer in a bar. Apparently, he wasn't very good at it. If you did something wrong, he'd just forgive you.
Ruben Studdard was sent packing this week on "The Biggest Loser." Yep, the guy was so big, it took two trips.
Remember, it's the little things that make the big things seem larger.
According to a new survey, Ohio is the most foul-mouthed state in the U.S.. And all this time, I thought they were saying "Buckeyes."
According to a new report, Americans are really tired of hearing about reports on them.
Good news for Simon Cowell -- his girlfriend and mother-to-be of his baby, Lauren Silverman, is now officially divorced. If I may be honest...
Fast food workers are threatening to strike for a higher minimum wage? Americans could starve!! OK, well, not "starve"... but they could lose weight!
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR COMPUTER HAS THE NEW SANTA CLAUS VIRUS
- No hardware is stirring, not even the mouse
- Before you go outside, you have to reboot
- Screen keeps shaking, like a bowl full of jelly
- Smoke from back of computer is encircling your head like a wreath
- Your screen turned red. You would even say it glows. (Oh, wait--that's the Rudolf virus)
TOP FIVE MOST UNSUCCESSFUL HOLIDAY MOVIES EVER
- "Condo Alone"
- "The Elf Hangover"
- "Scrooge Dance Party"
- "How the Grinch did a short sale"
- "National Lampoon's Kwanza Vacation"
Laugh a little, would ya? Tim
PSPS--Remembering Arlene Oberg on my blog
PSPSPS--Check out this week's new 'toon and archives full of Ima Norwegian!
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