This Week's Wacks
Our 938th Edition
"May something, something be forgot...."
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January 10th, 2014
My buddy Matt Case says that he got out of jury duty by starting every answer he gave with, "According to the prophecy..."
Ford is showing off a new plug-in car that actually recharges with sunlight. The temporary name is the "Don't Even Think About It If You Live in Seattle."
Look, Times Square: if I wanted to watch balls drop, I'd watcher a Mariners game.
Such a different time than when I was in college. Today, players make a public decision and announce if they're going in the draft. Back in my day, we kept it quiet if we weren't going in the draft, and then moved to Canada.
I'm so excited. I finally hit the half-way mark of my Christmas cards. My goal is to have them all out by early spring.
No truth to the rumor that Colorado is trying to make the official state song, "Green, Green Grass of Home."
Britney Spears fell out of her outfit in Vegas the other night. Apparently, what stays in in Vegas doesn't always stay in.
Great! I finally meet a fox so I can hear what he says and this one has laryngitis.
All we know is the guy that Demi Moore's been hanging out with in Mexico is 27, named Sean and a drummer. We also don't know if it gets serious, if she's thinking marriage or adoption.
The theme for the second half of this season of "The Walking Dead" is apparently, "Don't look back." The Obamacare website is ticked they didn't think of that first.
Michigan's Lake Superior State University has called for "banning" the words "selfie," "twerk" and "hashtag." Or at least burning the words as a source of heat.
So, cute. I saw that a couple of kids in the neighborhood have set up a frozen lemonade stand. That, or they never did take down the one they had this summer.
The Duck Dynasty crew is coming out with their own line of guns. I can hear their mom now: "Be careful or you'll shoot your mouth off!"
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos was rescued by the Ecuadorian Navy after suffering a kidney stone attack while on vacation. Someone is apparently no longer in their "Amazon Prime."
If taking pictures of ourselves is called a "selfie," are regular pictures that we take called "someone else-ees?"
Eva Longoria is Maxim Magazine's "Woman of the Year." That pretty much tells me they never get their Christmas cards out on time, too.
Emma Watson and boyfriend Will Adamowicz have called it quits. My guess is that it's probably because she couldn't see becoming Emma Adamowicz. Just a theory.
New York is going to lift restrictions on medical marijuana. Writing this in Seattle, that's SO 2013.
It's so cold out there, I saw Frosty the Snowman burning his own eyes to stay warm.
The niece of fashion designer Ralph Lauren has appeared in an Irish court on charges of being drunk and disorderly on a New York-bound plane. Lauren says he'll stand by his niece except when she's wearing those shoes.
Ken Levine told me, he thinks the Polar Vortex is Disney's most extensive promotion for a movie ever. Go see FROZEN already.
Kraft is warning of a possible upcoming Velveeta shortage. I suppose, in a true emergency, you could always use real cheese.
A new study shows that 38-million people in the U.S. drink too much. I have to wonder if it's really just 19-million and they're seeing double.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is saying that most American teens are not getting enough exercise. Sounds like somebody has a lot of snow on the driveway!
A study says that the average woman will kiss 15 men, enjoy two long-term relationships and have her heart broken twice before finding "The One." And if that doesn't work, she can always go to another party the next night and try again!
It's been so cold in parts of the U.S. that three people have been injured by sneezes.
Hey, let's be careful out there in those sub-freezing temperatures. And don't fall for that old "Double Dog Dare Ya" trick and end up with your tongue stuck to a pole dancer.
Dennis Rodman and his team of former NBA players lost to a North Korean team, so Rodman lost face. In his case, no loss.
Basketball rules are a bit tougher in North Korea. Five fouls and you're out of the game. Six fouls and you're executed.
A Florida woman found guilty of injecting people's buttocks with cement and superglue has begun serving her jail time. Don't know if she's a hard-ass, but her patients became one.
Former Defense Secretary Robert Gates has written a book that claims Vice-president Joe Biden has been wrong on practically everything since he took office. Biden says that Bill Gates is wrong!
He plans a special press conference, detailing his right decisions on February 30th.
The White House approved an extension for the International Space Station until at least 2024, so that dream vacation is still possible.
Yes, I missed the People's Choice Awards on Wednesday night. Completely by choice.
I'm shocked by this whole Chris Christie traffic jam scandal. I always knew he was big enough to be one-I just never thought he would cause one.
Allegedly, Christie's staff orchestrated a traffic jam on the George Washington Bridge as punishment to a local mayor. It would take a pretty big man to admit that they did it…and, well, he's pretty big.
50-cents's teenage son says he hasn't seen his dad in two years. Apparently, he just wanted to put in his two cents.
Miley Cyrus is the new face of Marc Jacobs. Apparently, they wanted more tongue in their look.
The phrase "Polar Vortex" has now been so over-used that we're being asked to substitute "selfie twerk" in its place.
TOP FIVE SIGNS IT'S REALLY COLD OUTSIDE
- Frosty the Snowman seen trying to build a fire with his arms
- Icicles on roof are shivering
- Birds saying it's too cold to play hockey on the bird bath
- Miley Cyrus' tongue stuck to her chin
- Jack Frost is wearing a turtleneck
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR CREDIT CARD MAY HAVE BEEN HACKED
You've received five late Christmas cards from "The Hackers"
Gee, I don't remember buying 35 TV's last month
Credit Card company just called to say you're on your own
You take it out at a store and the clerk says, "Oh... it's you!"
Amazon is at the door -- your warehouse full of stuff is here
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
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