I hate it when you're shaking the pepper and shaking the pepper & nothing is coming out...and then you realize, you've been putting on salt.
Happy 30th anniversary to the Mac. Cheese has been around a lot longer.
We've already got a face for Year of the Horse. Thank you for representing the other half.
The only thing we know for sure about the Grammy's last night is that no one asked Justin Bieber for a ride home.
A report says that 70% of American jobs will be automated within the next 30 years. Most likely, there will be an app for that.
Facebook's oldest user has turned 106 years old. Weirdly enough, she bruises every time someone pokes her.
A study says that people with access to a 401K for 30 years have a chance at a reasonably comfortable retirement. Now, to find one of those people who likes to share...
Daft Punk seemed genuinely surprised they won a Grammy Sunday night. I mean, the look on their helmets!
It was nice seeing Grammy Sunday night...or, as some people call her, Madonna.
Tonight is President Obama's "State of the Union" speech. No doubt, he'll touch on the Justin Bieber crisis.
The Republican Party is calling for an end to NSA phone surveillance. At least, that's what the NSA claims John Boehner said in a couple of phone calls last night.
A 4,000 year old clay tablet reportedly gives new details about Noah's Ark... which Carnival plans to use in their commercials, saying "See! Things could be worse!"
Texas has dropped its mandate for high school students to take Algebra II. For starters, most students thought that meant Algebra eleven.
Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz was paid $17.2 Million in 2013... enough to buy 23 Grande mochas.
Kourtney Kardashian has reportedly bought the house next door to Justin Bieber. Probably a good idea for her to have it painted eggshell white.
So I'm at a party, the music was playing and I started to cut the rug and the host yelled out, "Hey, put that knife away!"
Well, the mayor of Sochi, the Russian town where the Olympics are being held, has declared there are no gay people in his city. At least, he's never seen any while shopping for clothes at Sears.
Go ahead and get your Google glasses... I'm holding out for Google contact lenses.
It took President Obama so long to reach the podium last night, I thought I was watching the Golden Globes!
Scientists have recovered the genetic code of an ancient plague that struck during the Roman Empire from a 1,500-year-old tooth. Thank God we didn't lose that!
Buried inside that 959-page Farm Bill that congress is discussing: a 15-cent per Christmas tree tax. Wonder if they'll come up with an artificial tax for fake trees.
Hillary Clinton says she hasn't driven a car since 1996. Hopefully, Justin Bieber will adopt her as a role model.
In Justin's defense, he hasn't driven since he ran to the store last week for 15 dozen eggs.
A court has approved a vote for medicinal marijuana in Florida. And you thought they were driving slow now...
Wow, we're already up to 36 hours since Justin Bieber's last arrest. How time flies!
Here's hoping that 2014 is a year filled with steady work. You know, like Justin Bieber's Bail Bondsman.
The Pentagon says it fears China's military technology will overtake the U.S. military within five years. Isn't that cute? They don't think it's already happened.
The NYPD has made 200 arrests leading up to the Super Bowl for sex trafficking. Of course, sponsored by Bud Light.
A Denver rock radio station is refusing to play music from any Seattle bands during Super Bowl week. In direct response, several Seattle stations are refusing to play any John Denver songs…and, for that matter, haven't been for 20 years.
The cold this week in New York is being described as the Amy Poehler Vortex.
Justin Bieber is set to be arraigned for DUI on Valentine's Day. He's already wearing a t-shirt that says, "I heart acquittal!"
TOP FIVE OTHER JOBS YOU COULD HAVE (SEE, IT COULD BE WORSE)
Pitbull's Hair Stylist
Chris Christie's Personal Trainer
A-Rod's Personal Injection Assistant
Justin Bieber's Parole Officer
Dennis Rodman's Beautician
TOP FIVE COMMENTS MADE ABOUT PHARRELL WILLIAMS' HAT AT THE GRAMMY'S
"Smokey Bear called and wants his hat back!"
"It's Dudley Do-Right!"
"I'm thinkin' Arby's!"
"Is there a rabbit under there or are you just happy to see me?"