This Week's Wacks
Our 943rd Edition
"It takes pretty little fonts to say things like this!"
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February 14th, 2014
Joe Biden says he'll decide by next summer if he's going to make a run for president. A lot of people want him to run, but most of those are Republicans.
When the Olympic torch arrived in Sochi last night, Russian President Putin admitted he was uncomfortable. He gets that way around big flames.
Former Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura says he has gone "off the grid" in Mexico so that the U.S. government can't tell where he is. A government spokesman said, one, thanks for telling us where you're hiding and two, what makes you think we're looking?
A report says that America leads the world with gambling losses at $119 Billion a year. I bet.
Subway is going to stop using a chemical in their bread, the same chemical used to make shoe rubber. This explains why my last sandwich there tasted a little like wingtip.
In economic news, according to Moody's, they're happy, they're sad, they're excited, they're depressed...
They just broke it to Conan that Jimmy Fallon's getting the job. It's not pretty.
The boxing match between George Zimmerman and rapper DMX has been canceled. But it's still a fun mental image.
A new survey says that one out of every four 26-year-olds in this country are still living at home. How could it possibly get worse? The other three are planning to move back in!
If you don't have a reservation by now, you may not get in to that restaurant you have in mind for Valentine's Day... unless, of course, you're driving through.
I miss Flappy Birds.
A coffee shop in Los Angeles is taking on the giant and is calling itself Dumb Starbucks. Needless to say, Starbucks is preparing a Venti lawsuit.
It's right next door to a Smart Hooters.
Several members of congress are urging the Washington Redskins to change their name. Apparently, the national debt, healthcare and immigration have all been fixed.
Remember, there is no "I" in team, but there is an eye infection in Costas.
NBC's Bob Costas is now said to be having problems with both of his eyes. Seems like several Olympic figure skating judges are having the same problem.
I just read something that said, "keep dreaming." Well, you have to be asleep to dream so I'm going back to bed.
The U.S. Olympic isn't dominating the Olympics, but they do have more medals than that guy in front of you going through airport security.
Michelle Obama is offering up advice to Justin Bieber's mom. She's recommending that, if the singer is going to smoke anything, it should be broccoli.
While the Russians may be complaining about a very expensive ring that didn't work, Kris Humphries is saying, "Oh yeah, tell me about it."
A shipment containing 5,000 containers of Greek yogurt was supposed to be delivered to the U.S. Olympic team, but the Russian government blocked it because the required paperwork wasn't filled out. It's tough to get yogurt to hold a pen.
A survey says that 40% of 18-24 year olds use social media in the bathroom... which means they could be piddling while Twittering.
A New York couple married for 67 years died just hours apart from each other. The best part was that she passed away first, which meant he was finally able to get in the last word.
Researchers say there have been no sightings of the Loch Ness Monster in the past year. We should introduce it to Miley Cyrus.
Comcast announced its buying Time Warner for $45 Billion. The deal will close sometime between 9am and 4pm.
Spending on bacon has reached an all-time high in the U.S.. Be still my beating heart….
A survey says that teens are generally more stressed than their parents. Sure they are. With us out of work, they're worrying about who will pay for their phone, their car, their acne cream….
Kanye West's Nike Air Yeezy 2 shoes have completely sold out, following Kanye, who sold out about two years ago.
Tampa Bay Rays pitcher Alex Cobb proposed to his girlfriend with the help of a dolphin. Wouldn't that be called a "porpoise-al?"
It's Valentine's Day, when Cupid does his magic. Ah, Cupid…that reminder that if we fall in love, one day you'll have to deal with me in a diaper.
TOP FIVE TV SHOWS INSPIRED BY THE WINTER OLYMPICS
- "The Biggest Luger"
- "Hockey Boo Boo"
- "Curling Bad"
- "Downhill Abbey"
- "21 Ski Jump Street"
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE WATCHING TOO MUCH OF THE OLYMPICS
- At home, after every meal, you hold up a scorecard.
- You've caught Bob Costas' eye thing
- You can pronounce and spell the name of every player on the Russian hockey team.
- Just can't get enough of that curling.
- You've set your answering machine to pick up after five rings.
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
PSPS-- Yesterday, all my troubles DID seem so far away. Click here
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