This Week's Wacks
Our 946th Edition
"Dear Diary, I can't believe all these years I've been calling you Dairy"
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March 7th, 2014
Vladimir Putin is promising aid to his neighbor, the Ukraine. Yeah... and to make sure the aid arrives safely, "we'll deliver it with tanks and troops," right?
In a new interview, the Dalai Lama says watching TV is a waste of time. Apparently, someone has never seen an episode of Duck Dynasty.
Researchers say it's possible to create a Wi-Fi virus that can spread through computers like a cold. Great, now I have to figure out how to get zinc into my PC.
Vice-president Joe Biden says he can beat President Obama at basketball. Joe: put down the Wii controls and just walk away.
Nepal is lowering the price to climb Mt. Everest. I'm still going to wait for the elevator to go in.
How sad is it when you consider anything past 7am sleeping in?
My old radio buddy Larry Nelson used to say, "Hey last night, I pulled an all-nighter! Yep, didn't have to get up and pee once!"
A replica of Noah's Ark is going to be built in Kentucky. I don't know what they know, but you might want to keep a closer eye on that weather forecast.
The Mayor of San Francisco has announced a new app to help homeless people find assistance. Next step -- getting Smartphones to all the homeless people.
In California the owner of a Christian medical marijuana dispensary says God told him to sell pot. I remember there was stoning in the Bible, but I think it was different.
Jennifer Lawrence tripped and fell on the red carpet Sunday. Even Chevy Chase is saying, "For God's sake, pick up your feet!"
Just how bad is the pollution in China? Scientists have taken a slice of the air and are checking it.
I don't know where Goldie Hawn or Liza Minnelli were the night of the Oscars, but their robot clones were dressed nicely.
It had to keep correcting people all day---its Height-Weight Disproportioned Tuesday... not Fat Tuesday.
President Obama has warned Russia that if their troops don't pull out of the Ukraine, he's going to change his "maybe there will be repercussions" to a strong "might."
And now, here's Vladimir Putin singing, "Let it go!"
Russia claims that it had to invade the Ukraine to protect Russian citizens. Can a Mexico invasion of California be far behind?
Everyone was talking about "Frozen" at the Oscars Sunday night. Not the movie -- the way Goldie Hawn and Kim Novak's faces looked.
You can tell you're watching the Oscars with an older crowd when someone says, "That's not Steve McQueen! He's dead!"
If you're supposed to fight what you believe in and you believe in fighting, do you ever get any time off?
Is it wrong that, this year for Lent, I'm giving up Lent?
Some say what Russia did to the Ukraine makes them outlaws. Others, say more like in-laws.
President Obama says he wants Russia to back off and slowly go away from the Ukraine... like Ann Curry did on the Today Show.
You know you had a good Fat Tuesday if you completely missed Ash Wednesday.
Men's Wearhouse and Joseph A. Bank are reportedly working on a deal to merge. Some clothiers are opposed to the deal and it could result in quite a suit!
It's almost spring. When flowers begin to bloom, color returns and Jennifer Lawrence begins falling.
I'm reading a new book: "The Rise and Fall and Rise and Fall of Jennifer Lawrence."
My friend Bruce Murdock is so right: Thin Mints don't make you thin!
Microsoft is coming out with a digital assistant for its smartphone - similar to Apple's Siri - called "Cortana", which is Spanish for "really late to the party."
It's Lent, when we're supposed to take an inward look at ourselves. Basically, it's a selfie without the camera.
It's Friday…or, as John Travolta likes to call it, Fri Dazeem!
Facebook says it wants to build 11,000 drones to bring the Internet to Africa. Yes, because that's what they're missing over there-daily invitations to play Farmville!
A study says that one in ten Americans think that HTML is an STD. To make matters worse, they think STD is a type of television.
A survey says that one in four Americans thinks that a gigabyte is an insect. Everyone knows it's what happens when you get your giga too close to a teething baby.
TOP FIVE THINGS TO CONSIDER GIVING UP FOR LENT
- Observing Lent
- Working out with Richard Simmons new "Twerking to the Oldies"
- Carpooling with Justin Bieber
- The Seattle Mariners (it's never too early)
- Saying 'Do you know what day it is?' on Wednesdays
TOP FIVE REASONS A DOG WOULD MAKE A LOUSY PRESIDENT
- Dealing with an international crisis when suddenly... SQUIRREL!!
- That annoying going in circles before sitting down with world leaders
- Would open the door to terrorist flea attacks
- Foreign leaders easily manipulate him by rubbing his belly
- In Oval Office, couldn't pee in the corner
TOP FIVE HINTS YOU MAY NEED A NEW FINANCIAL ADVISOR
- He's going vegan and no longer will make predictions with chicken bones
- Just found out the stock market is closed on the weekends.
- Creator of the "Coin toss financial strategy"
- "Merrill Lynch? You mean, the ice skater?"
- Recommends putting all your money into Justin Bieber stock
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
PSPS-- Remembering the Keeney to Keeney Run. Click here
PSPSPS--Check out this week's new 'toon and archives full of Ima Norwegian!
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