This Week's Wacks
Our 950th Edition
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April 4th, 2014
A new study claims 1 in every 4 auto accidents involves cell phone use. I know, I know... if you're driving right now, it really makes you want to call someone and tell them. For 25% of you, that won't turn out well.
The TV game show "Jeopardy" has been on the air now 50 years. I'm sorry. Which TV game show has now been on the air 50 years?
Intelligence officials say they had a hard time predicting Russia's invasion because Vladimir Putin doesn't own a cellphone or use the Internet out of the fear of being tracked. So, technically speaking, he knows what it's like to be an American.
President Obama is asking Russia's leader Putin to pull back his 100,000 troops on the Ukraine border. Putin says they're just there on spring break.
Southern California has experienced over 100 earthquakes over the past several days. What a great time to switch to decaf--you wouldn't notice the difference.
It's now too late to sign up for Obamacare for this year and it's April Fool's Day. Coincidence?
Major League Baseball's season is underway. The even better news? The NFL season is less than five months away.
M&Ms will now come in a new flavor: birthday cake. For those who feel eating just a bag of chocolates is an underachievement.
I pulled into a gas station yesterday and said to the clerk, "$3.80 for a gallon of gas?" and he replied, "April fuels."
Las Vegas is now home to the largest Ferris Wheel in the world. What goes around in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
Some people don't quite understand what a Ferris Wheel is. For example, the guy who said as he got on, "7 red."
Ukraine has agreed to host the United Nation's annual "War Games", which means thousands of troops will be playing war in the country with thousands of Russian troops in and around its border. What would possibly go wrong?
A new book claims the stock market is rigged by a few influential investors. I have all the proof you want that I was not involved.
A Los Angeles home sold for a record $102 Million. It's in a neighborhood that's so posh, Justin Bieber's only allowed to throw Faberge eggs at the homes there.
China has its own version of Twitter, where people can use 140 characters to express whatever the government wants them to think.
NBC has told Kathy Gifford that she can drink during that morning show, but she is not allowed to plug her own brand of wine. I'm assuming it's called, "Guzzle."
A study says that poor sleep can cause a loss of memory and concentration….and something else…oh, look---SQUIRREL!!!
Former President Bill Clinton says he wouldn't be surprised if, someday, were visited by aliens from space. At least, that's why he says he occasionally locks his office door.
New Jersey police are handing out more tickets, trying to get people to develop better driving habits before summer, including tickets for eating while driving. Well, I suppose that's one way to meet the governor….
Tiger Woods announced that he won't play in the Masters because he's recovering from back surgery. And frankly, how many green jackets do you need hanging in the closet?
A report says that the number of chronic pot users has gone up 84.3% over a ten year span, as well as the users themselves.
A truck carrying 180-thousand eggs was stolen from behind a 7-Eleven in Florida. This could leave omelet lovers scrambling! Police describe the thieves as armed and high in cholesterol.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: I don't want to live forever, just long enough to be a burden to my children.
TOP FIVE SIGNS IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG BASEBALL SEASON
- The umpire's guide dog just bit the second baseman
- Star pitcher wants to experiment throwing underhand
- 18 errors. Not bad for the first inning.
- Star hitter just struck out in the on deck circle
- Bat boy claims he's a vampire
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU PROBABLY NEED TO FIND A NEW DOCTOR
His first words to you are, "Ew! Stay away! You're sick!"
Front desk greets you with, "Oh! You're still alive?"
Puts on stethoscope, listens to his own heart, says, "You're fine!"
Is credited with developing the "Coin Toss Diagnosis" technique
You tell him what's wrong and he replies, "Wow, you should see a doctor!"
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
PSPS-- My favorite day and a life lesson this week on my blog. Click here
PSPSPS--Check out this week's new 'toon and archives full of Ima Norwegian!
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