Weather forecasters say they've discovered a new tool that make their forecasting correct 50% of the time. It's called "a coin."
Wouldn't it funny if David Letterman retired and Jay Leno took over "Late Night?" Just sayin'...
Russian President Vladimir Putin has divorced his wife of 30 years... but he's going to keep 15,000 troops posted on her border, just in case.
GM CEO Mary Barra says she would let her son drive a Chevy Cobalt... to which he replied, "Now what did I do wrong?"
I don't know why I didn't figure this out before. In golf, when you're on a hole and you see "Par 4"--par is a foreign word that loosely translates into "how many golf balls you're going to lose on this hole."
"Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. While they're being distracted, get them!"
Bill Maher said it: "I think there is a gay mafia. I think if you cross them, you do get whacked."
Which is reminiscent of the line I wrote a couple of years ago when they found out on the Sopranos that Vito was gay. They learned the truth when they sent him out to whack a guy. There are no new jokes.
Russia's leader Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. I guess the trouble started when he tried to occupy a part of their bedroom closet that wasn't his.
Amazon is launching Dash, a device that allows people to order groceries from Amazon Fresh by just waving it over a bar code. And if you're REALLY lazy, you can order the remote that will do the waving for you.
One researcher now says that procrastination may be in the genes. If you keep putting off getting tested, you've got it.
I can't believe that some people think that "I can't believe it's not butter" tastes like butter.
Kentucky is getting closer to naming a bridge after the late founder of KFC, Colonel Harlan Sanders. They also announced that the wings of the capitol building will come in extra crispy and original recipe.
I also understand they're planning to name a street after the University of Kentucky basketball team: Second Place.
The Federal Trade Commission is suing the website, Jerk.com. Needless to say, the FTC is now at the top.
President Obama called up the University of Connecticut Huskies and couldn't resist saying, "Yes, U Conn!"
The comic book character Archie is going to die in a July issue of "Life with Archie." I wonder what Jughead thought that up?
Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are having a "separation ceremony." So, if you went to their original wedding, do you get your gift back?
Some airlines are dropping limes from their beverage service because of rising costs. Can a lime carry-on fee be far behind?
The Disney attraction, "It's a Small World" turns 50 this week. Unfortunately, during a small celebration, the Russian dolls took over the place where the Crimean dolls had been sitting.
Mazda is having to recall 42,000 cars because spiders have been making webs near the engine vent, which could cause fires. The official recall notice included the sentence, "Please bring your car back into the dealership and if you survive the spider bites and don't burst into flames, we'll fix it!"
Note to self: try to do a better job of remembering where you put the notes after you write them.
TOP FIVE WORST EXCUSES FOR NOT WORKING ON YOUR TAXES YET
You're going to do it right after you take down those Christmas lights
Your accountant doesn't get paroled until next week
The dog ate my W-2
Hoping the world ends between now and April 15th
TOP FIVE LEAST POPULAR ITEMS ON A CHINESE RESTAURANT MENU