This Week's Wacks
Our 961st Edition
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June 20th, 2014

Harrison Ford was injured while filming the latest Star Wars movie. Witnesses say the injury was due to a Wookie mistake.

Matt Lauer has signed a multi-year contract extension. The answer to the question, "Where in the world is Matt Lauer?" would be, "the bank."

Just for those non-soccer fans listening, the World Cup is not a piece of equipment. Just sayin'...

North Korea's leader Kim Jong Un, has been going around his country complaining to meteorologists that they're not very accurate. Wonder what his personal appearance fee is??

The average American will spend $113 on a gift for Father's Day. But we'll keep that a secret just between us, right?

People watched Friday as former President George H.W. Bush celebrated his 90th birthday by parachuting out of a helicopter. I think I'll celebrate my 90th birthday the same way---watching someone parachuting out of a helicopter.

Now PF Chang's has had a security breach. That means some unscrupulous people could find out how much you over-order each time you're in there.

Britain's Prince George is said to be walking and in no time at all, he'll be talking and will no longer have to walk. Just say, "Would you get me... "

A Mercedes Benz crashed through a plate glass window at CNN Center in Atlanta last week... temporarily interrupting their non-stop coverage of the missing Malaysian Air jet.

I'm just getting caught up on TV shows and am watching "The Blacklist." All this time, I thought it was the names of people Donald Sterling didn't want at Clippers games.

Don't tell me what happened on "Game of Thrones" Sunday night because, some day, I might start watching that show. Right after I see "Breaking Bad."

Donald Sterling has reportedly hired four private investigators to dig up dirt on NBA commissioners and other owners. Unfortunately for Donald, the best stuff that came back was about him.

Chevron is selling some oil assets to Chad for $1.3 Billion. The deal came about because Chevron and Chad used to be fraternity brothers.

An Italian company has created the first zero-gravity espresso machine for the International Space station. Of course, years ago, Americans already had Buzz Aldrin.

For the 5th time in a decade, the U.S. is the sickest of the rich world. That news just makes me.....uh, wait a minute. I could be on to something.

Alex Trebek has broken a world record for game-show hosts, after hosting 6,829 shows in his career. When asked how he did it, Alex responded, "I'm sorry. I'll need that question in the form of an answer."

A new study shows that men who carry their cellphone in their pocket have a sperm count nearly 10 percent lower than those who don't. Of course, that only applies to guys who sometimes put their phones away.

Japan's parliament has banned child pornography. Wow, way to blaze a trail into the 10th century!

Facebook was down for half an hour early Thursday morning. Thank God, we all slept through it!

Last year's World Cup champs, Spain, were eliminated this week.  This tournament has turned into a regular "Game of DeThrones."

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony's divorce is final.  J-Lo is now free to do what she's already been doing.

Donald Trump Jr. and his wife welcomed their fifth child into the world on Monday.  Another heir in the soup.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics says that, on average, Americans spent about twice as many hours sleeping on weekdays in 2013 as they did working. We probably would have wedged in more sleep at work if it weren't for that darn Facebook thing.

Best advice I ever got: "Always ignore advice!"

I had this idea: get Dick Cheney to guest star on "Game of Thrones!" He'd make a great wedding planner.

Jack In The Box restaurants are test marketing "cronuts", a mixture of croissants and donuts.  Hopefully these will go over better than when they tried to create chicken nuggets made of fish-fuggets. (yeah, probably better not say that one out loud)

Tiger Woods' agent says he is extending his swing.  Isn't that what got him in trouble in the first place?

Simon Cowell says he will tell his son if he is a bad singer.  My guess is, eventually, the son will return the favor about whether he's a good dad.

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE A LOUSY GOLFER

  1.     You don't keep score, you just count the number of balls lost...and you got a 96!
  2.     The American Association of Low-Self-Esteem Golfers voted you Golfer of the Year!
  3.     You never finish with the foursome you start with -- one usually drops out from laughing too much
  4.     What's that baseball bat doing in your golf bag?
  5.     You showed up with a bowling bag

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU HAD A LOUSY FATHER'S DAY

  1.     That "Happy Graduation" card was a sign just how much they were paying attention.
  2.     Two of your kids celebrated by changing their last name.
  3.     O.J. Simpson claimes to be the real father of your kids.
  4.     There was that gift-wrapped and very angry pit bull.
  5.     Your kids all passed the hat for money to buy you a gift... and you got the hat.
Laugh a little, would ya?                 
                    Tim

PS--George Takei offers another classic Facebook Post of the Week.
PSPS--I've come close a lot of times.  Details on my blog
PSPSPS--Check out this week's new 'toon and archives full of Ima Norwegian!
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PSPSPSPSPS---Follow Tim's Tweets on Twitter @timwack
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