This Week's Wacks
Our 964th Edition
"Sometimes when I look back on my life, I walk into walls"
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July 11th, 2014
Scientists say that hair samples from what people claim are Bigfoot are found to be mostly from bears, wolves and Russell Brand.
The Census Bureau says that more than two thirds of all Baby-Boomers are overweight or obese. In fact, they say that half of all Baby-Boomers make up 2/3's of them.
Robin Williams was actually in rehab over the weekend, "fine-tuning" his sobriety. If nothing else, he saved a lot of money on fireworks.
It's that time of year when "50% off 4th of July" stuff is competing for shelf space with the "Back to School" stuff.
Congrats to the Netherlands for making to the semi-finals of the World Cup. As I like to say often, "Let's go Dutch!"
A 116 year old Arkansas woman has been declared the oldest woman in America. Well, they say that 116 is the new 106.
Conan said it: Why do we put all this pressure on clouds to look like other things? Let's let clouds be clouds!
With so many immigrants flooding into the U.S., does that mean the docs from Doctors Without Borders can just wait here for their patients?
Only 2 million tuned in to watch Miley Cyrus' TV special on Sunday night. Don't know why that number was so small. Could have been the holiday weekend... or the 4-day twerk week.
They should have named it, "Red, white and BOO!"
A report says that Hollywood box office receipts are down 20% this summer. Yeah, the idea of a bad Melissa McCarthy movie was tempting... but somehow, I fought it off.
Legal marijuana went on sale here in Washington state Tuesday for the very first time and... something else...
Ironically, the first legal marijuana store in Seattle opened Tuesday at high noon. Sometimes they just write themselves.
OK, here you go, a collection of the jokes that resulted from Tuesday's whipping of Brazil by Germany in the World Cup:
- What were the odds of Germany scoring 7 goals in the World Cup? A Brazilian to one.
- I hope Germany's snack moms brought some really good treats this week!
- Huh.....the goalie for Germany just filed for unemployment.
- Nice of Germany to switch to playing only on one foot.
- Just asking: Is there a 10-run rule in soccer?
- This is that one instance where nill doesn't sound as embarrassing as zero
- Apparently Brazil is Spanish for "Bronco."
According to a new study, 1 out of every 4 Americans hates dealing with personal finances. That's probably because 6 out of every 5 of us are bad with math.
President Obama says he will hire more people to guard our border! Unfortunately, the first who applied was the goalie for the Brazil soccer team.
A group of scientists in Scotland have concluded that global warming could cause the extinction of redheads from the human race. Blondes aren't as alarmed. They said they would just move.
So the current pope is from Argentina. The previous pope is from Germany. Holy World Cup!!!
The experts say we could expect gas prices to drop by 25-cents a gallon over the next month. The oil execs should have their cars, homes and vacation properties paid off by then...
League City, Texas has voted to ban undocumented aliens from being housed inside their city limits. Needless to say, some of the messiest homes you've ever seen...
London has come in as the world's top tourist destination with 19 Million visitors expected this year... despite what happened under Jack Bauer's watch.
Good news for Justin Bieber's neighbors -- he's going to switch to an egg substitute.
TOP FIVE SIGNS IT'S JUST WAY TOO HOT
1. This year, the fireworks lit themselves
2. A cactus was heard complaining about the heat
3. A robin was seen catching his morning worm using a pot holder
4. You could fry chicken on the sidewalk
5. Your lawn sprinkler refused to work, saying it's just too hot
TOP FIVE REASON YOUR BASEBALL TEAM DOESN'T HAVE ANYONE IN THE ALL-STAR GAME
1. Official team flag is all white
2. No one has reached first base since April
3. Closing pitcher has the nickname, "Mr. Implode!"
4. Injured-reserve list longer than the roster
5. They lead the league in forfeits
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
PSPS--It's the curse of the Prius! Details on my blog
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