This Week's Wacks
Our 970th Edition
"Warning: Never say 'It's the winner of the nice bucket challenge!'"
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August 22nd, 2014
Conrad Bassett-Bouchard won the National Scrabble Championship last week and, along with that, $10,000. He told everyone afterwards, "I feel so... uh... what's the word? Uh... ... "
In Florida, an accused murderer was arrested after asking Siri where to dump the body. Memo to self: Siri cannot be trusted.
A survey says the cost of hiring a prostitute has dropped 23% in the past 8 years. I'm trying to think of a phrase other than "hard times."
The Playstation 4 is the top video game platform in the U.S.. At least that's according to a poll among gamers who would put down their controllers long enough to do a survey.
I hear former "Meet the Press" host David Gregory was given $4-million to go away quietly. I'd do it for $3-million. Just make me an offer.
Dollar General has offered to buy Family Dollar for $78.50 a share, which is more than Dollar Tree's bid. My biggest fear is that one of these deals will create a monopoly and they'll jack prices up to $1.01!
The creator of the pop-up ad, Ethan Zuckerman says he wants to apologize for the idea. I'd tell you more but this ad for a cheese grater is blocking the story.
OK, so I took the ice-bucket challenge. Now I'm freezing cold and my champagne's getting warm!
The Princeton Review says that Vanderbilt University has the happiest students in the country. They obviously aren't the football season ticket holder students.
A new poll found that Rob Ford has fallen into second place in the race for Toronto mayor. Well, his motto has always been, "There's nowhere to go but up."
Cinnabon is testing a concept store that will sell smaller cinnamon rolls. Yes, because it's the size of the cinnamon roll that's the problem...
Pope Francis says God will give him two or three more years. For us, management says we've got a year, tops.
A study says that 36% of all Americans haven't saved anything for when they retire. You could always go with my plan: I've saved enough to rent a moving van so I can move in with my kids.
A survey found that 75 percent of Americans don't use up all their vacation days. As a fellow American, I feel it's my obligation to ask if you need any help.
The new FXX channel is going to show all 552 episodes of the Simpsons between now and Labor Day. That's a lot of DOH's!
If you want to play along, you have to take a shot every time you hear Homer say to Bart, "Why you little... !"
A new report says that former president Bill Clinton loves a certain cigar that costs $1,000 each! I don't want to even begin to think where THAT has been...
In California, a guy wearing a clown mask has been robbing gas stations and convenience stores. Police describe him as "armed and hilarious."
Because of the water shortage in California, residents taking part in the Ice Bucket Challenge are being asked to use dry ice. Ouch.
Starbucks is looking at testing mobile stores on college campuses this fall. May I suggest you wait until finals weeks?
A new survey claims that Americans are only taking half of their vacation time. Who are these people?
The two Americans being treated for Ebola have been ruled cured and have gone home. High fives! Uh, fist bumps! Uh, congratulatory call from another state! Yes!
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU PROBABLY NEED TO DROP A FEW POUNDS
- The floor creaks when you walk on it. It's a cement floor.
- Local clothing store created a "Big and You" section
- You've actually worn out two sets of silverware
- Your grocery store has a day each month in your honor
- That's the third extension on your belt
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU PROBABLY NEED TO CLEAN YOUR CARPETING
- You drop a peanut shell and something eats it
- The dog refuses to lie down on it
- You should at least cut off a couple of inches of shag
- Grey? No, it's a white carpet. Why do you ask?
- The living room is molting
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
PSPS--Well, I'm giving it a try. Details on my blog
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