This Week's Wacks
Our 975th Edition
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September 26th, 2014

EDITOR'S NOTE:  Running late this week. It seems that every couple of years, I suffer a major computer glitch and this week, I was down on the home machine for five days. Thanks to my computer guru, Neil, for bringing me back into the enlightened existence.  Enough yammer, back to the funny.

Pizza Hut is testing a new "skinny slice" pizza that has fewer calories by using less dough and skimping on the toppings. This is the perfect solution for the person who never had the thought of cutting a piece in half.

The Air Force has dropped the phrase "So help me God" from its oath of enlistment. Not sure who's going to help them from here.

Warner Brothers is expected to lay off 1,000 workers, about 10% of its workforce. When asked if there were going to be more, a Warner Brothers spokesman said, "That's all, folks!"

A study says that cities with super-fast Internet speeds are more productive. And we'd be even MORE productive if we weren't checking Facebook all the time.

A Home Depot security breach has put 56 Million payment cards at risk. When asked how the bad guys got in, a Home Depot spokesperson said, "They could just do it. We couldn't help."

Referees say that 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick used a racial slur during a game. I suppose, when compared with domestic violence charges, we're making baby steps.

Hertz is paying former CEO Mark Frissora a $10.5 Million separation fee. It wouldn't have been so much, but they forgot to fill up the tank before dropping him off.

Pabst Blue Ribbon beer has been sold for $700 Million. Doesn't that sound like parts from two entirely different sentences?

Gasoline prices continue to fall. I'm just assuming that the oil execs summer vacations must have been paid for... ...

The White House has installed one of those little chains on their front door to help keep out unwanted guests. I feel better.

I do find it disturbing that a mentally unbalanced man was able to jump the White House fence and walk in through the front door and I can't even find my keys.

Pabst Blue Ribbon beer has been sold for $700 Million, which has to be the most amount of money ever paid for something never tasted first.

Honey Boo Boo's parents say they are separating. Attorneys have begun dividing up what's in the fridge.

A snail that was thought to be extinct for the past 17 years was found on an atoll in the Indian Ocean. The snail was quoted as saying, "NOW who's the slow one?"

Kris Jenner has filed for divorce from Bruce Jenner. Boy, didn't see that coming.

Dr. Dre was the top earner in the hip hop crowd, pulling in $620-million over the past year. All those years in medical school are really paying off.

A Florida woman had plastic surgery to add a third breast. She's also thinking about changing her last name to EyesUpHere.

Chicago is reversing its plan to name a high school after President Obama after it received multiple complaints from people in the community. The president had hoped they'd use his name, but public feelings changed. There's that pesky "Hope and Change" thing coming back to bite him.

Mama June and Sugar Bear from "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" are splitting up. Who could have seen that one coming... besides the writers? Both are getting lawyers and are planning to fight hard not to get the kids.

The Seattle Mariners and Toronto Blue Jays played the fasted game in the major leagues this season on Wednesday night--1 hour and 59 minutes. The Mariners could have made it last longer if they had just thought about baseball.

Billionaire Richard Branson is pushing for unlimited vacation time for workers. Finally, a leader I can support!

A magazine article claims that when it comes to dating for women, 30 is the new 50. Frankly, I don't care how fast or slow a woman drives.

A Wisconsin man has a medical condition that causes repeated orgasms. He's also never had a computer virus.

A San Diego philanthropist wants to buy a local newspaper and run it as a nonprofit business. I thought all newspapers were non-profits these days.

TOP FIVE DUMBEST GAMES EVER INVENTED

  1.     Strip Solitaire
  2.     Leprosy Twister
  3.     Tackle Monopoly
  4.     Grizzly Bear Tag You're It
  5.     Hop Scotch, with Real Scotch

TOP FIVE SIGNS FALL HAS ARRIVED

  1.     All of the Christmas stuff is out at Costco
  2.     Justin Bieber egging houses wearing a sweater
  3.     Chicago Cubs fans dusting off their "Wait until next year" signs (if they didn't get them out in July)
  4.     Football! Football! Football!
  5.     Weak summer TV shows being replaced by weak fall TV shows
Laugh a little, would ya?                 
                    Tim

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