This Week's Wacks
Our 979th Edition
"If fine print is hard to read, what's so fine about it?"
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October 24th, 2014
Exactly two months from today is Christmas Eve. Just sayin'......
Whole Foods says it will rate fruits and vegetables as "very good," "better" and "best" based on how they were grown. Of course, they'll be labeled "Affordable," "Too Expensive" and "Whole Paycheck."
A new survey claims that 1 in every 10 people have had sex at an airport to pass time. And all this time I've been wasting money on magazines...
1 in 5 adults over the age of 25 have never been married. Amazing to think there are that many people who have never experienced forgetting an anniversary.
I can't believe we've gone this far with the Ebola thing and haven't yet reached out to Jack Bauer.
Billy Graham says the U.S. has become as wicked as Sodom and Gomorrah. Good reminder that if you're ever walking around and you smell brimstone burning, don't look back.
A Russian Nazi group held a "Miss Hitler" contest. The winner received 5,000 rubles and a chance to invade Poland.
The Pentagon just announced that its fight against ISIS will be called "Operation Inherent Resolve." Obviously, the name was chosen on the day the new Reader's Digest came in the mail.
The head of the TSA announced he's retiring. They plan to have a party for him and, before he leaves, he has to remove everything in his pockets, as well as his shoes and belt.
Microsoft is said to have a wearable watch coming soon. At this pace, we're just a few short years away from an e-reader.
A Florida mom is demanding that Toys 'R Us remove Breaking Bad action figures from its stores. Next thing you know, she's gonna want to make them get rid of the "My Little Freebase" dolls.
Oscar de la Renta is now the fashionably late Oscar de la Renta. R.I.S. -- rest in style.
Pope Francis I says that God is not afraid of new things. Apparently, he's never seen Debra Messing's new NBC show.
Police in New Hampshire used pepper spray on rioters at a pumpkin festival. I guess in New Hampshire, PSL stands for "Pumpkin Spiced Looting."
A Minnesota man ran a Marathon backwards before running it again forwards. It looked like one, long instant replay.
David Letterman's cue card writer was fired after assaulting a staff writer. When asked for a comment, Letterman said he didn't have anything to read.
Monica Lewinsky says she was in love with President Clinton back in the 90s and wasn't able to say it back then. I'm going to stop there.
Starbucks is releasing it's first new drink in 5 years--the Chestnut Praline Latte--on November 12th. At last, the long national nightmare is over.
A semi-truck loaded with 44,000 pounds of Miller High Life beer was stolen in Florida. The suspects have been described as armed and probably sleeping on the couch.
A study says that Gladiators ate mostly a bean and grain diet. This explains why the most feared warrior of that era was named Farticus.
Scientists say they have found a method to restore hearing loss in mice. Which is a good thing, since most can't afford hearing aids.
Up until this breakthrough, Mickey Mouse was just guessing what Minnie was saying.
The NFL has created a sportsmanship award that will be presented to the winner on the eve of the Super Bowl. And, if no one is eligible, the next level will be "fewest parole violations."
Wow, there's an election coming up. Who knew? And now, for an even smaller show of hands, who cares?
Kenny G has angered China after appearing at a pro-democracy rally. Police say he didn't organize the rally, but he was instrumental. Kenny G? Instrumental?
Between the Mexican border and the White House, maybe we should push for Fence-Jumping as a new sport in the Olympics?
TOP FIVE MOST RIDICULOUS GODZILLA SEQUELS
- "Godzilla and Tokyo Between his Toes"
- "Godzilla is not dead"
- "Godzilla attacks Legoland"
- "Godzilla and the terrible, horrible, no good, very destructive day"
- "Godzilla Gets Gout"
TOP FIVE ENTREPRENEURIAL OPPORTUNITIES IN THE FALL
- Oakland Raiders Fan Grief Counseling Service
- Corn Maze Guide
- Gas Price Sign Changer
- Leaf relocator (moves leaves from your yard to your neighbor's when no one is looking)
- Surrogate Trick or Treater (you do the walking, get 10% of candy)
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim
PSPS--OK, my turn to weigh in. It's all on my blog
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