This Week's Wacks
Our 980th Edition
"it's that scary time of year when they come to your door. Yep, campaign workers!"
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October 31st, 2014
Britain's Queen Elizabeth the 2nd made her first official tweet the other day on Twitter, using the name @BritishMonarchy. It was either that or @QuickMakingFunofCharlesBigEars.
The annual book on government waste is out. One of the highlights -- the U.S. spent $387,000 to give rabbits a daily massage. I suppose the good news is that we didn't spend even more for a happy ending.
A company says it will soon offer driverless buses in the UK. Wow, first, no one is riding them... now, no one's driving them. Explain to me again why they exist?
Donald Trump is telling Mitt Romney not to fun for President again. He feels strongly that it's time for Romney to step aside and let someone else fail.
Pope Francis I says corruption is like "bad breath." He made the announcement inside the Listerine chapel.
Scientists say that the physical makeup of comets would make them smell like a combination of rotten eggs, horse urine and vinegar. In other words, a comet is like a big college dorm room.
A newly discovered species of tarantula has been named after John Lennon. I know if John were around today, he'd be saying, "But... I am the walrus!"
Congratulations to the White House security staff. It's now 3 days in a row without a fence jumper!
Do you want to know the latest on the whole "Honey Boo Boo" saga? Or do you feel like even knowing that show exists is a Boo Boo?
Ouija was the number one movie in the country last weekend. Who could have predicted that?
Rob Ford is out, John Tory is in as mayor of Toronto. If you see a comedy writer weeping today, now you know why.
A new device allows people to control their cellphone with their shoes. Looks like we're getting ready to go from butt dials to accidental toe texts.
Toyota has topped Consumer Reports reliability rankings. Apparently, they offer the most dependable recalls.
The Obamas are inviting kids to come trick or treating at the White House. The sign out front says, "Just follow the guy who jumped over the fence."
Vladimir Putin announced he's abolishing daylight saving time. This after he tried to say that he invaded the Ukraine simply to turn back their clocks.
Bruce Murdock saw that former baseball star Jose Canseco accidentally shot the middle finger off his right hand. Doctors say he'll recover but that he'll never be able to drive in New York City again.
I'm waiting for the headline: "Maine Nurse Defies Home Quarantine. Seen Bobbing for Apples."
Apple CEO Tim Cook has announced that he's gay. You know, there was a time when it wasn't a PC thing to say. Of course, he's not a fan of PC's, so never mind…..
He announced the way you'd expect an Apple guy to say it. He just said, "iGay."
Google is working on a pill that can detect illness. You simply take it, it checks your body, and if it finds a disease, it goes "Bing!" Uh, they're going to have to work on that last part.
Taco Bell has unveiled their new mobile ordering app. I believe it includes being able to make restroom reservations.
Whirlpool is selling a "smart" washing machine for $1,700 that can be operated through the Internet….where, ironically, most people put their dirty laundry.
A Lowe's store in California is using robots to assist shoppers. It works pretty much like your Smartphone. You ask it "Which aisle has the hammers?" and it replies, "Why would you want to file your slammers?"
TOP FIVE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES THAT SAY YOU'RE LAZY
- Going as (your name) (although, people might say, "Good costume")
- The old classic, "Oh, is that today Man"
- Just go as you are and call yourself, "The Guy Who Doesn't Do Opera"
- Remote Control Man
- Wrapping yourself in aluminum foil and going as leftovers
TOP FIVE REASONS A DRAGON MAKES A LOUSY PET
- You think taking along a plastic bag when you walk your dog is bad
- They have a hard time learning the command, "Don't eat the mailman."
- Where'd the cat go? For that matter, where are the neighbors?
- Villagers gather once a week on your front lawn
- There's never a "Take your Dragon to Work" day
Laugh a little, would ya?
Tim Haunter
PSPS--Halloween memories this week on my blog
PSPSPS--Check out this week's new 'toon and archives full of Ima Norwegian!
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PSPSPSPSPS---Follow Tim's Tweets on Twitter @timwack